Have you ever found yourself wondering who you are beneath the title of 'mom'? Join us, Ashley and Brittni, as we navigate the identity shift that comes with motherhood, and passionately advocate for the sacred practice of self-care. Through laughter, tears, and heart-to-hearts, we share personal stories of feeling lost, the guilt of taking time to oneself, and the challenge of juggling multiple roles while maintaining our mental and physical health.
As millennial moms, we understand the struggle of finding reliable childcare, the difference in children's behavior at home versus school, and the evolving dynamics of the village mentality in parenting. We also delve into our personal experiences with healthcare, the role of TV and podcasts in self-care, and the joys and struggles of finding fulfilling hobbies. Trust us, we're right there with you on the relentless quest for success, all while trying to balance work and personal life.
Wrapping up with a bang, we touch upon rekindling intimacy in relationships post-children, and the importance of discovering individualized self-care practices. To top it off, we discuss the significance of creating a personal sanctuary within the home and trying new things as a form of self-care. This episode is a beautiful blend of personal experiences and practical advice, as we hold space for honest discussions about the highs and lows of motherhood. Tune in, sit back, and prepare to feel seen, heard, and validated!
remember to review this episode to be entered to win limited edition MMU merch!
https://linktr.ee/millennialmomsunfiltered?utm_source=linktree_admin_share
Have you ever found yourself wondering who you are beneath the title of 'mom'? Join us, Ashley and Brittni, as we navigate the identity shift that comes with motherhood, and passionately advocate for the sacred practice of self-care. Through laughter, tears, and heart-to-hearts, we share personal stories of feeling lost, the guilt of taking time to oneself, and the challenge of juggling multiple roles while maintaining our mental and physical health.
As millennial moms, we understand the struggle of finding reliable childcare, the difference in children's behavior at home versus school, and the evolving dynamics of the village mentality in parenting. We also delve into our personal experiences with healthcare, the role of TV and podcasts in self-care, and the joys and struggles of finding fulfilling hobbies. Trust us, we're right there with you on the relentless quest for success, all while trying to balance work and personal life.
Wrapping up with a bang, we touch upon rekindling intimacy in relationships post-children, and the importance of discovering individualized self-care practices. To top it off, we discuss the significance of creating a personal sanctuary within the home and trying new things as a form of self-care. This episode is a beautiful blend of personal experiences and practical advice, as we hold space for honest discussions about the highs and lows of motherhood. Tune in, sit back, and prepare to feel seen, heard, and validated!
remember to review this episode to be entered to win limited edition MMU merch!
https://linktr.ee/millennialmomsunfiltered?utm_source=linktree_admin_share
Hello and welcome to Millennial Moms, unfiltered, where your host Ashley and Brittany, and today we're gonna talk about existing outside of being a mom. Who do you identify as after having kids and all of the things that come along with it? So stay tuned and we'll jump into it Wednesday. It's gonna be Wednesday when you're listening to it. Right now, we just had the most chaotic setup, like this was supposed to be the easiest and it 100% was not. It just was not easy today. No, it was a little stressful, technical issues, just like last week, except worse, but this definitely sounds better. Yeah, that was. I'm gonna just take a breath. Let's just like inside out have a little sip. You sip water Coffee, yeah.
Speaker 2:Cheers See.
Speaker 1:I didn't get coffee this time because I was like you drink, and I just drink at four o'clock you definitely don't need coffee.
Speaker 2:No, I come on farms. Not even good, but that's where it popped, pat, pat. Stop by the way home. Alright, alright, let's get into it.
Speaker 1:So after you have kids? This is something that I didn't think about. I mean, obviously after you have kids, your your different, but like what that feels like in the stages you go through, like not having the freedoms that you used to have and then not even liking some of the things that you used to like or hanging out with the people used to hang out with, and you just go through this like cocoon chrysalis phase of relaunching your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like I'm still in mine, like I'm still in the cocoon. I feel like it happens, like it doesn't happen as fast as people think that you don't bounce back, not just like your body, like forget that, but like you as a person. You don't go back to like having, I think, an ounce of like yourself back until your youngest is at least four, I'm like my youngest is three and I'm I'm slowly starting to get out now.
Speaker 1:That's how I feel. Well, with Aimen I feel like I had more of a like understanding of what was happening, so I like forced myself through those stages. I still feel like I get caught in like the tired, run down, moody, like when is it gonna get better? Moments of it, but I definitely think I pushed myself through it faster than with Eli. With Eli it took me a really long time to get past it and it felt like you have like the new mom, like okay, feeding the baby constantly and then you know changing and all of the things that come with being a new mom, that you like don't think about yourself and even if you do think you're taking this time to take care of yourself, like after I would say like one right, like your kid turns one and they're kind of doing their own thing a little bit and you're like I kind of feel like lost, like something feels off right.
Speaker 2:Well, with being a stay at home mom and even like Killy's still at home with me he's not in preschool yet. He's gonna be with me for another year and preschool is only gonna be half a day I feel like I still am I don't want to use the word a slave to it, but I kind of am like.
Speaker 1:I still feel like I can't.
Speaker 2:Like he goes with me to my nail appointments because if I have an it unless I schedule them after pack it's home, but if I need to get it done at 12 o'clock he comes with me. So it's like I like that freedom, but also it's I still don't have even a long time for my nail appointments some days. So it's like, yeah, I don't know, I think until they're in school. Really, yeah, even, yeah, it's like different phases of it.
Speaker 1:I think it's like a different kind of like you have something attached to your body constantly that can't walk or move, and then you have the little Explorer and then they kind of have like their own interest a little bit and then like, as you have more and more moments to sit there and be like, what about me? You realize like you just feel different and like within the chaos of doing the everyday stuff, you feel like I don't know. I felt like confused, I didn't know what I was missing. I just felt like you knew something was missing.
Speaker 2:It was. You know what it was.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love my feeling, your own bucket, and you don't know how to, or when, or, so I there's like sadness that comes with that, and then I would like, oh, I need to just go do whatever it is that makes me happy go to the gym, I need to go to the gym and the gym wasn't making me happy. Nothing felt right like things that used to feel like I was feeling. My cup didn't feel like that anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't have a social life anymore. Like this is the extent yeah, I feel that too I definitely don't.
Speaker 1:And now I'm like especially post COVID.
Speaker 2:I feel like oh god, that that people like mix into it, though people think it's hard, people like it's really hard, and now I'm just like extra awkward.
Speaker 1:Not that I was a social butterfly before, but now it's see I was.
Speaker 2:I had a huge group of friends, and having kids cut that friend group in half. I had friends who like never even met the baby, never met me even till she was like almost a year old, yeah, and that like came to her first birthday party and then like that was it. I'm like, yeah, you made zero effort, so like I cut those people out. But then it's like the ones that I still do keep in touch with are also moms and they're just as busy as I am.
Speaker 2:Yeah and it's like. It's like those sentiments are nice, like you send each other the text. I'm just like, hey, thinking about you, we should get together, but you say we should get together seven times before you get together and a year has gone by.
Speaker 2:Like I see my friends maybe two to three times a year, which is terrible, I know. Like I don't have a social life at all, which I mean I try to have dates but then you kind of like prioritize your family too, right, like I try to have dates with my husband, I try to have weekends with the kids, like me and Jill had like a streak that we were really like solid on the every two weeks going on to do something yeah and now, like his mom is having like some issues with her knees and need surgery and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:So like a lot of our child care has kind of gone. So we don't have a strong support to. No one wants to watch. No one person wants to watch three kids. Let's just say that. So if you have multiple kids, that's a whole. Other issue is that it's hard to find reliable babysitters, so that's difficult and also people of.
Speaker 2:I feel like a lot of people in our generation have talked about how there is no village anymore. Like, as much as I have support, I have a ton of support. I feel that way. I went to my grandparents' house every weekend. My kids don't go to their grandparents' house every weekend.
Speaker 1:And that was the same thing too. That's maybe once a month maybe, but those are such differences that we're growing out of in many ways that the grandparents are like no, I'm not gonna raise this kid, it's not my kid. I want my life and I get that, but at the same token, it's like you. You dropped me out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my mom and dad and my unlaws aren't there. They're not like that. They'll take the kids whenever. But it's also like we have plans a lot of the time. So we can't just drop them off on the weekend, and my mom and Pat's mom had us really young, so they are still really young. So, they do have social lives also, so I'm like I'm not gonna eat up my mom's every weekend by dropping off the kids.
Speaker 2:So she does take them, like she's taken them a lot. She's taken them this weekend, like my mother-in-law's babysitting them tomorrow, and then my mom on Saturday, and then next weekend my mom's taking them again. So like there are bouts where she like has them a lot, but like then you can't expect someone to do that consistently, no, and you can't expect someone to do that for like I try and do it for like special occasions and for work. Like if I just wanna go to get a massage, I feel guilty. I don't ask, I'm like no, I can't get a massage until I have someone.
Speaker 1:Like that's like a compatible To the next point, though, because you need to find balance within that too, cause I used to do that and everything like I grew up in a place that if you thought about how you were gonna feel in a situation or didn't wanna go do something, like you were being selfish, like what about everybody else? So every time I wanted to go do something for myself, I'm like damn, I felt selfish. I felt like I was like not being a good mom and like even leaving the kids with Gio like I would feel bad about it, which is so weird.
Speaker 2:I do the same thing and like he's a fully capable father, why can't you just let it go?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I have to like, even now, still like remind myself he's got this, like it's okay, you don't have to.
Speaker 2:Do you also have the like? I feel like I should be, because Pat works all the time when he's home, cause he is I'm the stay at home mom. I feel like I don't have enough time with him either, so I feel like I should be spent. That should be family time when he's home. That should be family time, but like but then I don't have any other time to go do anything I know, so it's like Gio works from home so we see him, but he's not like available to like hang out and stuff.
Speaker 1:So we see him throughout the day and we'll stop in and be like what's up and that stuff, but like I feel like I haven't had any really like connective time with him in a couple of weeks, like especially this week, with all kinds of like parent-teacher conference and like usually we'll hang out and like catch up at the end of the night once everyone's in bed, but I feel like we haven't even had that.
Speaker 1:So there feels like such a disconnect in the relationship right now. Like not that we like don't like each other, it's just like I miss you.
Speaker 2:You just haven't had the connect. Yeah, same with us, Like we're. We're going to his holiday party tomorrow night and then we have. We're going to a comedy show on Saturday, but we usually have date nights on Thursday nights, but we've been doing the podcast on Thursday nights and I've been sick. The kids have been sick, Like it's just been.
Speaker 2:we haven't had a date night in forever and like that, like finding time for yourself, finding time for your relationship, like it's, I feel like, when moms are the only ones who balance that, like and that in itself makes you feel lost.
Speaker 1:So like add that on top of like, I don't know what my, my likes and dislikes are anymore, and then and you don't have time to find them- Right.
Speaker 1:So I feel like everyone right when we're talking about right now. I feel like everyone with kids gets this point. Now here's where it's going to go one way or another. Is you recognize it and you're like I need to step out of this? I need to tell the voice in my head that's telling me you're being selfish to shut the fuck up and I'm going to go take a class, I'm going to go do something, something new and start exploring yourself and with your partner again. So we have that group. That's me. I'm I'm ready to do it. I've been a mom since I was 19. So I didn't have, like my early 20s.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so now I.
Speaker 1:I got past the like you're being selfish and I'm like no, like I'm a better mom when I go do things and like try to find something I like, so I I will take time when I feel like I need time. I still feel guilty, I feel like that comes with it, but like I'll still get out there and do it. And then you have the other group of people that like withhold that, they're just, they shove it down and they don't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is it. I just have to give up. I have friends who don't, who don't try and figure out. It's just me, it's just me.
Speaker 1:Like they take on everything, and that is not what being a parent is.
Speaker 2:No, and it's not healthy. That is not. No, it's not.
Speaker 1:You cannot be a good mom if you're not taking care of your mental health, your physical health.
Speaker 2:You can't, you can't, no.
Speaker 1:And you're not supposed to be with the same people 24 seven. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:No, I read something about being a stay at home mom. Like it is not. It is not normal to spend 13, 14 hours a day with your kids. Like not saying that, like that sounds ridiculous, it's not normal, but it's really not.
Speaker 1:Every 24 hours a day, seven days a week is when I miss my kids, and then you hear people say like well, back when in the 1800s and shit, they used to be like whatever and they were always with their kids. No, the kids were farming. Okay, they were out there at like four years old doing shit.
Speaker 2:The mom was. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like they still weren't physically together all of the time. Someone's going to listen to this and be like that is so dumb, but Really think about it life was so different back then and then like, even if you did have your kids all the time, you still didn't.
Speaker 1:Well, there's a village, part of it right where like, and if it wasn't like your actual family, it was like the actual village, yeah, literally like the literal when the colonies came over here. I swear to God, like I've been like watching Okay, this is dumb, this is the dumb part. I've been watching outlander and that is my, that is my like reference to history. I'm like, all right, these ladies were not ever with their kids.
Speaker 2:No, no. And like I I was with my my mom. I didn't have planning what. I went to preschool but like I didn't have like daycare and do that. Like my mom and dad worked Opposite schedules and had family to like bounce it out, but like I don't even have that like my mom's my mom and my mother-in-law still work, my dad still works, my sister still works and my my grandmothers they're a little bit older, so like they're not really, because they'd be my kids great-grandmother so they're not really like they could help, but not not really anymore. But like I just don't have like anyone available who's not they're also working right like I know it's like.
Speaker 1:Oh, I didn't have that.
Speaker 2:So like I feel like I spent more time with a lot of other people, I was like a super social butterfly. My kids won't even sleep out other than my mom's house, and they'll only do it once. I think maybe they've slept over there like Less than ten times in their life. Isn't that insane?
Speaker 1:Well, when I had Eden I was still living with my mom, so she was there all through, you know, when he was little, and then once we moved out, she still took him a fair bit until she got sick and then she kind of couldn't. Yeah, it was just solely me, and then, without having her, it was just my mother-in-law, with Eli and Aiman, and like now, eden's old enough to kind of like chill by himself. So, yeah, finding him so much to watch him, if it's just a couple of hours, isn't a big deal yeah but the other two little's is just yeah, it's just my mother-in-law.
Speaker 2:And that if I had my mom yeah, five and three is hard. I don't know if your boys are as wild as my kids. I think they are. So it's to get alone, they're okay. Yes, Like there's still love each.
Speaker 1:They have their moments. Obviously their kids, it's fine. But together, where they are like Five-year-old knows so much, because now they're in school, and why don't you cut it out, do it in the three-year-olds, like, well, I do this, no, you're stupid. And then they just like fight about that and then they'll just like play really nicely and then all of a sudden they're like kicking each other and it's like so many the text today so many in such a small amount of time is kicking me even the head with her helmet on like Full on, like kicking.
Speaker 2:I was like, what are you doing? We're checking to see if her works. There's that like there, but they're chaotic. So like finding yeah, finding people to take your kids right, they're like your kids are but they don't want to.
Speaker 1:My mother-in-law will be like he doesn't do that here and I'm like yeah, I'm glad, well, yeah. Eli's teacher too is like oh, he's so good and blah, blah, blah and he follows the right Things and he always knows what to do and I'm like you don't worry about like ADHD. And she's like, oh, not at all, and I'm like at home at home.
Speaker 2:I'm worried, which is?
Speaker 1:awesome. You always want to hear that your kids are great with other people. But also, yo, I am like I Bought those, those earplugs, I, so I can't. There's so much yelling and fighting and it's like, like you know, like you don't always have to intervene, and I'm like I like the missus.
Speaker 2:I'm in danger when? Yeah, so like blocks.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I'm like I, I can't. I feel like my body goes into fight-or-flight, like it's like oh my god, no, this is bad, I have to fix it. Like it drives me crazy. So I'm like again, I'm not being a good parent because I'm here all the time.
Speaker 2:Listening to this so I'm like over stimulated yeah overstimulated, like I wake up overstimulated.
Speaker 1:That's a fucked up place to be. So I'm like, yeah, what can I do to fix this right now, in this chaotic Three and five year old time? Get the friggin earphones, or what are they called?
Speaker 2:earbuds the misophonia earbuds. I'm gonna get those. So what is like? So I'm just coming out of the cocoon, like I'm just really realizing, like I've talked to my Husband, I've talked to my mom and talked to my sister. I'm like I have reached my breaking point, like I've realized I haven't been putting myself first. I'm putting my health, my mental health Like I've taken on way too much and I'm slowly like stepping out of that and I'm like putting my home, my health, my family first, like over the next couple months and the bottom, the podcast. I'm like taking a break from work for a little while because I've backed myself up so much and I just really need to find myself again. Which sounds so cliche, but I really do, because I have no idea what I like. Like my photography became, was a hobby, became a career, became like I Need this to make money and now I don't enjoy it anymore because I like have so many other things going on yeah you can't let yourself be creative when you're Wade down with everything else.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I have.
Speaker 2:No, I have no creative spark right now. I feel like I feel like I go through every few months honestly, yeah, so and yeah, oh sorry. Okay.
Speaker 1:So I feel like that's natural being a mom anyway. But like I feel like the first time that you go through that as a parent, you're like Am I failing? Like what am I doing wrong? Like it it's even if you're not like a full depressive episode, like it feels depressing, like you're like super.
Speaker 1:You see these moms on Instagram and they're like I just my toilet's so clean. You can like lick it and it's like what I deep and I think it's such a lie and everyone's like when you feel that like I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Speaker 2:Social media makes it horrible. Don't listen to that. Don't listen to social media. We're gonna tell you how it's real. It's real here.
Speaker 1:My house is after you're gonna feel lost at some point. Your house will be a mess, and it's fine and you'll figure it out. Not everything's gonna be clean all at once and it's not, and it's not gonna happen.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's, you're gonna it might take three, four years for you to like come on, I'm just now finding I have an 11-year-old.
Speaker 1:I've been a mom for this whole time. I'm gonna be 31 and I'm just now in the past like year or two Figuring a lot of shit out.
Speaker 2:Oh, me too. I feel like I've had so many like epiphanies about like the way my brain works, what I need in order for myself to be successful, like I was used to think that I Was lazy, but I 100% like need time to refuel, like I need that like break, and I and I was used to feel so guilty about like being tired or not wanting to do these things or like feeling like I need to recharge, but I'm just starting to learn it. Like I I do much better if I give myself that time and then it could be it's more productive.
Speaker 2:I used to be like a workaholic?
Speaker 1:I never, and that's what I Always know right makes you think, if you're not doing that, there's something wrong. Well, also the fact that, like the cost of living right so high that everyone has two jobs and so there's like the guilt of I'm not doing enough, I should be doing more, and then like the need to do it yeah. I get through and, and it's all through college not sustainable.
Speaker 2:It's not all. Through college I worked two jobs and went to school full-time for forever and that was just. I kept that habit, like even I was pregnant with Maeve and I was doing outpatient therapy and teaching and I was growing a human and running pals like take a break.
Speaker 1:Right, especially while you're pregnant. But even when you're pregnant with your first, If you don't have the time to like slow down, it is different than being pregnant with your second and having a kid at home and then you're just like it hits you faster, like you know. It's a holy crap. Yeah, like, oh, oh no.
Speaker 2:I was pregnant with Kelly and all through lockdown, so I had Maeve and Pat home for my entire pregnancy, which is all we're home, so I got lots of rest with this pregnancy, same with Amy.
Speaker 2:Everybody was home and I was like I'm gonna take a nap right, like Pat used to take me to the like, go look at turtles and I'm gonna I'm definitely taking it up take a bath, I'm gonna take a nap, but yeah, I'm just so. I'm just coming out of this like I feel like there are so many things I want to try, but again we go back to like the child care thing. So right now, like my personal like plan is we're getting my house in order. I deep cleaned my kitchen the other day and my living room and my dining room are fairly like clean, I have all the decorations out like and my house just feels so like I can feel like the anxiety my body.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so my mom and my sister come and help me this weekend, which is like such a blessing like to have that they're coming to help me like get more stuff in order, and Once my house is like where I want it to be, then I'm gonna start focusing on like I want to try a dance class, like I've been wanting to do an adult dance class forever. Probably gonna be terrible, but I'm going to do it.
Speaker 1:That's like when I went through I just did that with like gyms, like I was so tired of just weightlifting and I tried all kinds of different classes and gyms and Things like that and I was I used to be so scared to do anything like by myself, but I just did it, yeah, and I had a fucking great time. Yeah, I love classes and so that was one of my things like, oh, I'm feeling lost, like I'm getting like depressed. I I need to like get out and do something. Like I like being home at baseline, but like at home is so busy, like everybody's there all the time, especially like post COVID and stuff. Like now geo works at home, so like it's just always there and I'm like okay. So, even though I don't necessarily like like to go out, it's not my first choice to like leave and go do things I have to in order to like have a second by myself, because I'm never by myself at home.
Speaker 2:There's no space. There is space in my house for me to be alone, but I don't have it like set up right now and that's part of the. Probably we have a sunroom, we have the spare bedroom, the she shed under construction, but I'm like I don't have a place to go right.
Speaker 2:And my kids will follow me. Like there's the music room in the basement that pack on and like now we're gonna probably do the other stuff in the room. But like even my bedroom has never been like. We moved three years ago, my bedroom still not set up the way.
Speaker 1:I want it.
Speaker 2:I didn't paint the walls I didn't like and all the bedding that I wanted like it's just not how I want it. So I feel like I don't have anywhere to like that feels like you're relaxing yeah, nowhere. No, there's no like sanctuary for me to like your mom to be. So like I can't even find that in my own house, so like it's stressful, even though it's what we're working on it. It's fully possible. But I feel like you need that like, even if you can't say you like can't get out because you don't have the seder, you don't have the financial ability to like go take a class, like having a corner, having a corner of the house like yeah, and like I and I do this.
Speaker 1:I just did this too before we like started recording the podcast. I said we were when I was still like running ideas and all that stuff. I've reset up my whole desk, cleaned out everything, got everything set up and I felt like so recharged after that and I feel like it's so important to like take inventory of your stuff and just like Switch things around, move the friggin couch like that helps.
Speaker 1:Like right, we just did the closet in the the hallway closet where, like, all the jackets are like games, just like where everything is, yeah, and Geo just threw out so much stuff and it's like so nice, and I feel like my house is like I'm doing that like I feel, like I do feel like your environment is like a reflection of your inside, like if the house is chaotic, you're, I feel like I like do the dishes every morning, like clean up the couch or wherever the kids were, like I Just like I have to do that because I can't it.
Speaker 1:The clutter like drives me crazy, mmm, and I used to just like let myself like get depressed about it because I didn't understand myself in ADHD and how that like impacts. Like, yeah, how I feel, and now that I do, I have like Routines that I don't stray from, because if I do like if I don't vacuum every day, then it ends up being five days and there's fucking dog hair everywhere.
Speaker 2:You're overwhelmed yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So like knowing yourself, Finding routines that work for you yeah, that's super important. And then like making sure you stick to those routines, and that includes Having your u-time going to your classes, going to the gym, making sure you keep up with your fucking doctor's appointments. That was a huge thing.
Speaker 2:That's my issue right now.
Speaker 1:When Eli was like two I like finally I hadn't had like a primary care doctor in Years I finally found a new one. I was going. I got back on medication from ADHD like I prioritized everything and got everything at baseline, normal, right, and I'm still like I used to just not go to appointments.
Speaker 2:Me too. I missed my last dermatology appointment because I didn't have a sitter and I was just like, oh well, guess I'm not going.
Speaker 1:I know that overwhelms me too, and I used to do that shit all the time. But like since right before I got pregnant with Aimen, I've that's one of my things with myself. Like I cannot let myself get to that point again.
Speaker 2:No, my health is not great. I was. So it's coming up on a year that I was in the hospital and like I still haven't gotten everything resolved from that. Like I have some stuff resolved for that but not all of it, and like, but all these specialists, like it's so that is like overwhelming yeah. But yeah, you got to go to the doctor's appointments. I haven't. This is embarrassing. I've been to the dentist in forever. I had to find a new dentist.
Speaker 1:I'm in there for like two years, and before that it was like 10 years. I'm not even lying.
Speaker 2:I used to not mind the dentist but I'm allergic to Novocaine and it sounds so weird. But like I just get a really intense reaction and I have, I can't help it, but my heart races and I cry. It's like a panic attack almost. But I have no control over it. And the last time I was getting a feeling done, he the dentist was like come get me when she's ready, because I had the panic attack. Ew you know, I was like now, I never want to go to the dentist again.
Speaker 1:It's in having doctors like that make it so difficult to like, want to or be able to feel like. You can go and, like have these vulnerable moments and it's like, bro, that's your job, that's literally why you're here. More bedside manner than that, and I hate. I'll call you out. After working in the medical field, I'll say something.
Speaker 1:Eden went to get a tooth removed and he had to be put under because he's autistic and he has really, like, a lot of sensory things, whatever. I was like it's going to be dangerous for him and everyone else involved, so he had to be put under and then, so to get the needle in or whatever. He was free. He doesn't like needles, like. So it was a thing. Um, so the doctor came in and was like, is he ready? And I was like he's about to have a meltdown. He's like, well, he is having a meltdown. And I'm like, no, I'm like actually, sir, he is just crying Cause he's scared. Um, but a meltdown would be far worse than this. You just wait, like. And then, when he was coming out of um, the anesthesia, he was like freaking out because of the gauze in his mouth or whatever, and he was like get him out of here or something like that, and it's like fuck you. Like he was like 10 at the time and I'm like yo if I wasn't here alone with my kids.
Speaker 2:I would have a word. Oh, it was so gross.
Speaker 1:And it's like that's so rude?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I don't. So you got to find good doctors, so that's like.
Speaker 1:This is the second episode that we've said that like find good doctors, find good doctors.
Speaker 2:And we've really kind of stand on topic.
Speaker 1:I wrote these little sticky notes. Um, I mean, we're not, we're kind of right on target, we've, we've, we've gone off a little bit, but that's what are some things that you like thought would fill your cup and you're like oh God, this is not it for me. Washing my hair. No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2:Um, like things that you tried, I don't know, or things that you attempted Different hobbies.
Speaker 1:I do that with hobbies, so I'll be like, oh, I'm going to paint this skull and like it sounds like a good idea and I'll like come up with it like while I feel creative. But then when I'm like, oh, I need a break, it's like I don't feel like sitting there and like focusing on one thing. Yeah, I, I feel like I'm not, like I don't do it a ton anymore, like now I get sucked into like watching shows.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm like I think I feel better after I like to watch TV. I know a lot of people like shit on TV and they're like I did not watch TV or did not watch movies. There's just not my thing, or how do you have time for that? Like like no, that's like my like. As soon as the house is empty, I put on a show that I want to watch. But then I always so I know, but then I also feel like it's a way to decide.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's a way to distract your brain from like thinking which. So I try sometimes. I try to sit in silence, but I'm just like I don't have the Podcast yeah. I do, I do crime junkie all the time Like.
Speaker 2:I think podcasts. So, like I was talking to my mom about this, because we actually talked for three and a half hours yesterday while I was cleaning, um, and I was like I feel I know you're not here in my house, but I feel like this is body doubling for me, because like being on the phone with you is helping me clean.
Speaker 2:She was like actually, you know it's good for that, she's a podcast, because music your brain can still wander, but if you're listening to a podcast, your brain is focusing on the podcast and not all the other junkie.
Speaker 1:I do it while I'm cooking and doing my makeup, getting ready for the day, and I feel so like I could focus so much more, rather than like listening to music, cause you're not getting distracted.
Speaker 2:You're even one thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and even the other day, when Gio would like, I didn't have plans to clean or do anything and he started doing the closet, and then I went in my bathroom, I went through all my cabinets, I redid everything I could like, deep cleaned everything I like, washed all the drugs and stuff like that, and it's like I was going to do that tomorrow. But just like, while you were doing that, I got in there. I've reorganized the closet.
Speaker 1:I vacuumed everything and it was like without even realizing it was happening, it was like just because you're moving and doing something, I feel like I can really get it done.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I'm just being on the phone with her helped me so much and it was like Kylian was, cause he wasn't you could tell he was getting sick. So he was just like on the couch all day yesterday. He kept coming at I felt so bad. I was like organizing my desk. He's like I would do cuddle, so I went and sat with him for like a half hour and then he kind of was. I was able to like slide him off my lap and go do stuff. But yeah, I just like cleaned the whole time I was on the phone with her and yeah, that like not having your brain distracted or having someone like motivate you in person is I need it at least.
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely. That's definitely an ADHD thing. What was the first thing you said? Oh, you said what did you think was going to fill your cup and didn't? Yeah, what is yours? I feel like you asked that cause you have an experience.
Speaker 2:The gym After Maeve I saw a personal trainer and I was on a eating like I was on a meal plan and I was going to the trainer twice a week and I was doing a lot more and I felt really good. It definitely helped me feel good, helped my depression. I couldn't afford the trainer anymore so I stopped. But and then I got pregnant with Kailian and then COVID and all that, so I just like haven't been to the gym in four years. I like moving my body. I just don't like going to the gym. Yeah, but that's just not. It's just not my thing and it felt. It just felt more mature than anything and I want to find I really want to find something that I enjoy doing, like I really like yoga. I like booty yoga is like one of my favorites. Have you ever done booty yoga?
Speaker 1:It's like more fast, yeah, I did a what's it called like bounce and booty.
Speaker 2:So it's like more like a row big jump on like things.
Speaker 1:So it's like kind of it's similar but not yoga based. I've done bear.
Speaker 2:I've never heard of that.
Speaker 1:Bar Bar bear bar, yeah bar.
Speaker 2:Bar yoga. So there's a place that I've gone to for booty that I love but it's like it's a lot of like they use more fast paced music, kind of hip hop, but like also tribal stuff in there. It's like rooted in, like tribal dancing with mixed with yoga. I love it so much, but the last time this is going to be super. I went one time, maybe right after Killian was born, because I really wanted to get back into it and I got my period that day and I threw up in the bathroom at the yoga studio after booty, like because I had not worked out in so long and it was so intense.
Speaker 1:And I was scared to go back to it and I peed through the bathroom.
Speaker 2:No, I don't think they even knew.
Speaker 1:I threw up, but I'm just like scared to throw up again.
Speaker 2:I'm like where did I keep again the first time?
Speaker 1:I went to bar is I have to say I have fucking dumb Like dance bar, like it's a bar, yoga Ballet, ballet it's called the bar yoga experience in Smithfield yeah, that's where they do booty, too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's bar yeah.
Speaker 1:I love it. I think this is going to be easy, because I was a bodybuilder for like seven years like weightlifting, no big deal, it's like all corbis and I used to always talk shit about anything like cardio based and not weights, like that's the only way. But I was like you know what, I'm so fucking bored. So this was like one of the first things I did on my gym tour thing and that first class. I was like dripping sweat, like dying. I had to modify things and I was like you talked so much shit for so many years.
Speaker 2:My cousin's girlfriend just got a job there. We should go to one of her classes.
Speaker 1:Yes, I haven't been in a while cause I signed up for Orange Theory but now I'm getting bored of Orange Theory. No, I haven't tried Bar yet but my cousin's girlfriend lives teaches.
Speaker 2:She just got a job at the Bar and Yoga experience. I told her I'd take one of her classes, but they also have booty yoga there, but I'm so scared to work out again.
Speaker 1:They do they do it on Sundays.
Speaker 2:I'm so scared to work out again, cause I don't want to throw up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just don't go ball to the wall.
Speaker 2:I, but I never used to like. I used to be able to work out. I never threw up working out.
Speaker 1:Like I used to run track in high school and but like taking time off, like some of it's still there, but like you can't jump back in, I jumped in like no.
Speaker 2:I jumped in.
Speaker 1:And now you'll know better you won't throw up again, you'll know.
Speaker 2:So yeah, working out. In general, I like to work out. I want to find a way to work out and move my body that I enjoy. I do like spin too, but I don't want to pellet like I don't want to do a pellet.
Speaker 1:Like I like a spin class? Yeah, I prefer that I want a pelleton.
Speaker 2:But I don't want to spend money on it. I have a regular exercise bike. Yeah, it's not the same, it's not the same, it's not. But I and I rather go to like an, I like classes, I think, being like in the groups that helps me, Right, it's yeah. But then it's like not to go back to the financial thing, that's like not everyone has the extra money.
Speaker 1:So you got to find something that works at home too.
Speaker 2:Or like I hate, I hate walking, I hate running. Like I hate going for everyone's, like just go for a walk. I fucking hate it. Yeah, I hate walking.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't, I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't like exercising outside.
Speaker 2:That's unpopular. No, I don't need it I don't like exercising outside.
Speaker 1:It's just it's not it for me Like I need. It's either too hot or too cold. I need to feel like I have to be doing like I need to be in an environment where like things are happening.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:To make me feel like.
Speaker 2:I can get through it To motivate you.
Speaker 1:You know what Eli said to me yesterday. He was like run, run, mom, come on, run. And I was like no, I don't like to run. And he was like come on, you can't run. And then I like ran for like 10 seconds and he was like mom, why'd you, why'd you hide it from me that you can run? I never saw that before. I was like I don't like to run, but you really thought that like I just could not run.
Speaker 2:You just didn't, were incapable of running.
Speaker 1:No see, I was upset about it Like I moved pretty fast on a regular day, right? I?
Speaker 2:like sports, like I like playing, like I wouldn't mind like playing like softball or volleyball, like doing that kind of, but you're not doing that every day. That's like a family.
Speaker 1:I know, and then, like signing up for things is like another thing, we come back to that. Well, you can commit to it Right Babysitter financials, all the things Also schedule because yeah soccer and gymnastics.
Speaker 2:where am I going to fit my activity? And then Kylian is going to start doing something and then I'm just going to be full on soccer mom.
Speaker 1:This era of momhood is so fucking difficult because, like you lose yourself like multiple times, like I feel like and I said this last episode too that like I've reinvented myself like 16 times, I'm doing it right now. You guys are currently watching like a new era of Ashley and Brittany yeah. New era is completely Just. I did it last year too. I literally started pop-up parties last January At this time, and here we are December. And I'm just starting a whole new thing again and it's just like it's never. You know what.
Speaker 2:I feel is different about this, though Like everything I've I don't know if it's the same for you Everything I've ever tried has always been too Impulsive. It's been impulsive.
Speaker 1:Cause, that's me.
Speaker 2:It's been impulsive, but it's also been like I'm going to do this and I'm going to make money off of this and like, whereas the podcast is just like, I'm actually spending money.
Speaker 1:You're spending money to do that.
Speaker 2:This isn't like, this isn't to find, this isn't to like make money.
Speaker 1:It's not putting all the pressure on it.
Speaker 2:There's no pressure, it's just we're doing it because we enjoy it, because we're moms, because we are looking for some sort of connection with, like a community of other moms with each other, and also to like make people feel like they're not like we're.
Speaker 1:Right, mostly empowering other women. I definitely done that, like or with everything else that. Yeah, oh, I really like this this is what I'm going to do and then, but that immediately makes it draining.
Speaker 2:Yes, because then if you like what you're doing, Right, it's okay.
Speaker 1:Well, there's a bottom line here, and how am I going to make that? And it's like when you're coming up with the ideas it all comes back to how am I going to?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Make money. How much money am I going to have to spend to make it back? And it's just like always, like a circle, and it always comes back to money. So it's like that sucks the creativity and the flow out of it.
Speaker 2:So much it does. That's why I feel like I'm I'm almost thankful that I'm getting rid of the studio, as much as I love it. The pressure of not having it there and the and the ability to just accept the clients that I want to accept and the ones I want to work with and not feel like I have to sacrifice X, y, z to Right Make money for rent Like I'm, I feel just like the relief of not having that pressure is wonderful.
Speaker 1:I mean, we've talked about so many times about, like rebranding, or what are you going to do? What's a new? What's a new offer? I could do what if I did many this and I'm just like there's a million things you could do, but I'm like I knew you needed a break, but you're like I can't take a break. So when you said that you were leaving the studio, I was like all right here we go.
Speaker 1:And then, but you weren't even ready, she was immediately going to go set up something else and when she could move clients to and when, and booking for 2024. And then she's like you know what, no, I'm going to just stop, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I was like all right, I was like it's time to call it, Because you know what I should have called it a year ago. Honestly, it went far too long.
Speaker 1:But this is a good year for you. I feel like oh yes, and no Chaotic, but I feel like you did some really cool shoots. I did some cool stuff.
Speaker 2:I definitely did some cool stuff, but I feel like I do feel like I haven't had the opportunity to do something that I really enjoy.
Speaker 1:You abandoned yourself a little bit yeah.
Speaker 2:Next week I'm doing something I'm really excited for. I'm doing like an in-home session, a couple's house and it's going to be like a lifestyle, but it's in their house and it's like an announcement for their new. They bought just bought a house.
Speaker 2:So it's like this is our new address, but I'm really excited it's going to be like a very cozy. I'm so excited to do that Like. I want to do stuff like that Right, so We'll see new beginning. Yeah, definitely the reinventing, like just the finding the things that like bring you joy, like even if it's Because I'm so sick of like mom's thinking like their 20 minute shower or their right.
Speaker 1:I used to think that's not like a full shower wash shave, all of it Like oh, my self care like that's not, and yeah, you feel better. But you're not really like gaining anything. You're doing what you should already. This is have time to do you know like.
Speaker 2:But well, I talk about mass. This is I'm gonna bring the psyche into it. I'm sorry about yesterday. I was like um, my Maslow is hierarchy of needs. I'm at the way bottom, like my house being clean is at the bottom, like that's with like eating, sleeping, cleaning your like, cleaning your environment, taking showers, like I'm here yourself actual actualizations at the top of the triangle. It's like I can't even like find all of that until all this is met, like your basic needs, like I don't even sleep more than six hours a night right now because my kids still come in my bed. And six hours is it like you feel like yeah.
Speaker 2:Like it's usually not more than that and it's always interrupted. And Maeve was doing so well, she slept in her bed every night. Last week and last three nights she's come in my room.
Speaker 1:I know they always so good, you always think you're there. You can't say it out loud, you can't even think it.
Speaker 2:I know we're doing you can't be like, oh, that we're doing, this is this might be it, because it's not, it's not, and she's back in my bed, so it's like you got to find something other than your sleeping and eating healthy meals and Taking showers like regularly those need to be.
Speaker 1:I mean, when you have a toddler, that feels like a big thing because, you had. However, like my kids didn't sleep through the night till they were like three all of them, like they slept like crap. So like when I finally started sleeping, I was like whoa. But that's when I started having the thoughts like you know, I don't have everything I need. I don't feel okay, I need to. Don't feel to start Thinking about me as a person, because my identity isn't a mother. That's a part of who I am.
Speaker 1:It's not my entire existence, and if you don't fuel your entire being, you're not going To put out what everyone else deserves.
Speaker 2:You're not gonna get the best version of you, not gonna be the best mom. You're not gonna be and you're what's that lead?
Speaker 1:to is more mom guilt. So like yeah, you're gonna feel guilty about wanting to go out, why don't take a new class? Or going on a date with your husband, or getting your nails done, whatever the fuck? But If you're not doing those things, you're still gonna feel guilty in a different way.
Speaker 2:And it's gonna manifest into like anger, frustration, resentment, and you're gonna lose your patience with your kids and you're probably not gonna be the best mom. Because I know I've, like the past couple weeks I've been finding myself yelling a lot more and I'm like, oh, I need to take a step back, cuz I'm clearly not getting what I need, because I am not being the best version of myself right now and I've, but I've recognized it, so like that's, that's yeah already like one of the hardest things.
Speaker 1:It's like noticing it.
Speaker 2:You're like oh wow, this is not, this is not who I want to be, but I feel like that's it.
Speaker 1:You don't know if you're feeling like that. Bottom line is if you're, it's normal to feel at some point after having kids like you're questioning everything, everything, everything oh, why is my hair like? This. Do I like this anymore? I hate all my clothes.
Speaker 2:Oh, you're gonna hit all your clothes. Even like that, I'll fit the same way, right?
Speaker 1:Like it's just everything just feels wrong and you just have to yeah, start over, get out there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I used to. I used to look at things like I was in fashion, merchandising and retail and, like I've always loved to shop, I've been an impulsive buyer. I love to spend, but I also like fashion like I and I Wear sweatpants now I know.
Speaker 1:I currently want to wear sweatpants. These are frigging like soft like jeans Like they're like this, but I would rather be wearing Actual leggings.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sweatpants or like where it's at. That's also part of being a mom.
Speaker 1:So you might not lose that part of you.
Speaker 2:I go, I do drop off every day in sweatpants, my slippers and a sweatshirt, and sometimes no bra, if I can get away with it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't think that's. I don't think I'm gonna lose that part, no, but like I can get it together.
Speaker 2:I can get it together too, like I'm really excited about dressing, but I don't want you. That's the difference. No, I don't want anymore.
Speaker 1:I don't I, I can, but what's filling my cup is knowing I don't have to looking like crap. Like crap is a choice, and that's different than being like Empty era. Yeah, then just feeling so, just like that you can't get ready.
Speaker 2:It's a choice, and that's already something better than just I Don't know if it's like becoming a mom, not giving a shit, being 34, like there's a lot that goes into it, but having a spouse who also finds you attractive, no matter what is helpful it is, you don't feel.
Speaker 1:You don't feel the pressure to your Just randomly be like you look so beautiful and I'm like I just took my makeup off, like I haven't even washed my face yet, like my hair isn't a messy bun or whatever and I just like hands up really good. He just told me today, before I left, because I feel like I look like Garth from Wayne's World. I was gonna wear my glasses and I was like you can't do it. You cannot do it.
Speaker 1:So he said something you look really cute and I was like do why, or do I look stupid? And he's like you're the worst of Comments and I'm like I'm sorry, but like I was just looking in the mirror and I was like being really like harsh with myself.
Speaker 2:But yeah, pat will like tell me like he'll just make like a gross grunt or something at me, like and I'm like Ew, gross that. No, don't do that. I don't don't do that to me right now, like I haven't like brushed my teeth yet, I know.
Speaker 1:Oh, go away, why are we okay? So post having kids, all right. Getting back into the sexuals with your partner is such as an experience and like you go through like, like, and even now, like we're still kind of trying to find our rhythm, like we just set up our thing, like if we Were aiming for like once a week, like we have to have sex once a week and if we don't meet that, like then on Saturday we're having sex, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:And I feel like I'm to take it and I mean like, but it's setting that like Expectation, that everybody knows it, and then like it feels like less of a chore and whatever. But then sometimes I find myself like we did it, and then he's like ready to do it again, like the next day, and it's like 7 am and he's like come here.
Speaker 2:I can't do more. Like Like morning, no, and why are you to anyone listening to this?
Speaker 1:It doesn't want to hear we're always on opposite schedules, like a lot of the times, like sometimes I want to win the morning and then he's just like, he's like, oh, what the hell? So getting back Once you find yourself, not even once you find yourself, but yeah, probably, it's probably a better idea to start coming back home before you like I get back into something with your partner, cuz, then that makes it feel more difficult. But making it a priority to have like intimate times to that can help me feel better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I will say, our sex life has never like dwindled, even like after the kids post kids. No, never, it's never Like a chore, I guess is. Unless I'm mad at him.
Speaker 1:We're pretty, I feel like immediately post after I had Eli, I was like ready to do it, like I never understood how people would come in for the post-partum appointments. Pregnant, yeah, no, I got it. And but then, after amen, having three kids, I was like there's not even a level of of tired to describe. Like those first couple of months, yeah, and then, like after that, I kind of like we got back to normal, like it feels more like natural this time, like it's more like consistent, yeah, but yeah, it's Variation, but we're pretty consistent. But we go through phases that we're like we'll get stuck in it, like how busy we are right now, like we haven't done it in a little bit, and Like we both feel it like and he'll be like hey, oh, hey, yeah, that's right, are you sure about me? And it's so easy to fall into those if you don't like.
Speaker 2:Make it a thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can like create problems that aren't actually problems, and it's just, yeah, and it's a thing, and I feel like there's couples like it that like, let that call their relationship it's all easy to Like, let other things get under your skin when it's really just that you haven't had a chance to connect with your partner in any sort of way. And it's not always sexual.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not always sexual, just intimacy like yeah, I tell Pat like I need, like you need, to be like cuddly and lovey and like don't just like go for the kill Like I need like some warming up like yeah throughout the week, like yeah just because if you're only only being nice or only being affectionate when you're trying to get some like yeah it doesn't feel genuine. Actually, pat said something like that recently. He complimented me with the, with the preface, I'm not trying to get in your pants. Okay, thanks for that.
Speaker 1:I get cranky with him, like about things, and he's like I'm not eat, that's not even what I'm trying to do, but it's like I'm just having, like I'm PMS thing, so like I'm just like gonna fight with you about anything. It's like you're trying to be nice to me, but I'm telling you I don't feel like doing it right now. He's like nothing I'm trying to do. You're a psycho and I'm like I know, nice yeah.
Speaker 2:Simultaneous yeah, all right, we're gonna have to bring that back to another episode, but um.
Speaker 1:All right, so thanks for joining us on this long rambly episode once again Make sure you take care of yourself and you find what fills your cup. Yeah, even if you don't know what that is, try different things and you don't think something's gonna fill your cup, but you're kind of interested in it, try it out anyway, yeah, and listen to our journey over the next couple months, because I'm definitely looking for new stuff to do same.
Speaker 1:I'll report back. Yeah, we'll let you know. Don't forget to leave a review on here and you'll be entered to win a prize that we have for the first two weeks that these episodes are released to help boost our ratings and like and subscribe and all of the things on our socials which will be in the show notes, and we will see you next week. Bye.