Have you ever thought about how the simple act of listening can be the most powerful part of a conversation?
This episode is a testament to that, as we share how effective communication is not just about talking but hearing the unsaid, validating emotions, and expressing ourselves with clarity. We unravel the threads of adapting to parenthood and maintaining balance, employing tools like the 'compliment sandwich' and tapping into our love languages. It's not just about speaking up but speaking well, and understanding the intricacies of our partners' needs for recognition and affection.
Let's face it, relationships grow faster than a time-lapse of a blooming flower, and we're here to talk about what it takes to keep the soil fertile for love to continue blossoming. We navigate the whirlwind journey from sharing a closet to sharing parenthood, all within the span of a heartbeat—or so it seems.
The importance of respecting boundaries, establishing trust, and choosing battles wisely becomes clear as we discuss how to approach disagreements and the strength found in teamwork. Whether it's about going to bed angry or learning to argue constructively, our conversation is an open book on the highs and lows of crafting a partnership that's not just about surviving, but thriving.
This weeks Tumbler winner is Haley! Haley actually was the Millennial Moms listener that made a list of our best quotes for these tumblers! A true internet bestie always super supportive of the show! Leave us a 5 star review on Apple and maybe you'll be next weeks winner!
https://linktr.ee/millennialmomsunfiltered?utm_source=linktree_admin_share
Have you ever thought about how the simple act of listening can be the most powerful part of a conversation?
This episode is a testament to that, as we share how effective communication is not just about talking but hearing the unsaid, validating emotions, and expressing ourselves with clarity. We unravel the threads of adapting to parenthood and maintaining balance, employing tools like the 'compliment sandwich' and tapping into our love languages. It's not just about speaking up but speaking well, and understanding the intricacies of our partners' needs for recognition and affection.
Let's face it, relationships grow faster than a time-lapse of a blooming flower, and we're here to talk about what it takes to keep the soil fertile for love to continue blossoming. We navigate the whirlwind journey from sharing a closet to sharing parenthood, all within the span of a heartbeat—or so it seems.
The importance of respecting boundaries, establishing trust, and choosing battles wisely becomes clear as we discuss how to approach disagreements and the strength found in teamwork. Whether it's about going to bed angry or learning to argue constructively, our conversation is an open book on the highs and lows of crafting a partnership that's not just about surviving, but thriving.
This weeks Tumbler winner is Haley! Haley actually was the Millennial Moms listener that made a list of our best quotes for these tumblers! A true internet bestie always super supportive of the show! Leave us a 5 star review on Apple and maybe you'll be next weeks winner!
https://linktr.ee/millennialmomsunfiltered?utm_source=linktree_admin_share
Hello and welcome to Millennial Moms, unfiltered. Today we're going to actually be talking about healthy relationships. We were supposed to last week and then time just got away from us. So without further ado, let's get to it. I like your sweatshirt, thanks.
Speaker 2:Oh, I have something on it. Thank you, it's from Victoria's Secret.
Speaker 1:Oh nice, I always want to do tie-dye things, but I can never find the right pattern.
Speaker 2:All of my sweatshirts are from Victoria's Secret, most of my tie-dye ones, and I've recently started painting in all of my sweatshirts, so now all of them, have paint on them. And I should probably just paint in the same one over and over again instead of ruining all my hoodies. But yeah, just have it in one spot. And I went. I met with another muralist recently and she had on the painter's jumpsuit. It was so cute.
Speaker 1:I was like did you feel like you wanted to?
Speaker 2:get one, I wanted one.
Speaker 1:I need a jumpsuit now. I knew it. I knew it because that's exactly the kind of shit that would happen to me.
Speaker 2:The hyperfixation. That looks like something that I would say.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So what do we want to say? I think last week we got a really good idea of red flags and in some cases women, even when it's clearly not right, will put in the effort. That doesn't really need to go there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that one girl. She put in so much effort where it was not reciprocated or really needed. Yeah, I would have had out. She's put on that 1950s dress from real man who deserves her.
Speaker 1:I'll go on a date with you. This was fucking awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Do you find that women do you think that women across the board are putting in more effort, or do you think that they're getting sick of putting in the effort?
Speaker 1:I had to cross my legs because we're getting real serious on this one. I think that women are expected to act and do in a certain way, and then I think we're expected to act and do certain things when it comes to dating and relationships, and I think we're moving away from that and it's becoming more normalized to preserve yourself versus a man's ego, whatever. But I still think that if we are loud, have different opinions, advocate for ourselves in certain situations, the overall consensus is like we're difficult.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're difficult, yeah, and I think it's just easy to have that thought, because it's easy to keep control of the narrative and situations if everyone just follows certain things. And that's not to say that I think it's wrong for women that take pride in running the household, being more traditional, right, and I mean I am in some ways too, but my husband's also not like well, I can't touch the oven, I'm not going to vacuum the house.
Speaker 2:You know what I?
Speaker 1:mean it's 50-50 in that way that like, yeah, he goes to work and is the sole breadwinner of the family right now and I take care of the kids and do most of the cooking and stuff, but he also will do laundry and I don't always have to ask him to do stuff or I'll be like him. Do you need me to take care of this? Can you take this for me and we go back and forth and we'll do different things. It's not like Exactly.
Speaker 1:Where back in the day, women would never be able to do anything other than go grocery shopping.
Speaker 2:I found out recently, and I don't know why I didn't know this piece of very important history, but women were not allowed to get their own bank accounts Till the 70s, till the 70s. That's why women married men for so long, right.
Speaker 1:And you hear the people say like oh well, my grandmother and our generation, they didn't leave. There was less divorce, blah, blah, blah. Because she couldn't, there was no money, there was nowhere for her to go. She couldn't get a job, she couldn't make the same amount of money they couldn't find anywhere to stay. She would be shunned, like people would look at her different. It was easier to stay in a traumatic situation than to go out. And what? How are we going to have money? I?
Speaker 2:think I saw a TikTok that was talking about the marriage declining so significantly these days because women are just, they don't find the value in a partner anymore, met in a male partner. Sorry, guys. I think, Because we can do all these things that we weren't able to do once. And men are still kind of holding onto that more traditional narrative and looking for a woman who will fit the mold or the expectation that they've created in their head but that no longer exists anymore.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying all men, but a good chunk of men and here's the thing with that Like they, we're about women working, we support women, I love women, blah, blah, blah. But then the second like you get married and dinner is not made and you know the house isn't perfect, that's an issue, right. But also, if you're not going to work, you're not doing enough and it's like she's expected to fully Go to work and do well there and then come home and 100% run the household and what. You come home and relax for what? How, when does she relax? Right, those expectations are so warped to me for, like, where, where modern couple, she goes to work, it's like, no, you're actually living in like the 80s. Yeah, I think if you're not, as a man, bringing anything to the table at home, then this is my house. And lower your fucking voice when you talk to me. You know what I mean. Yes, like I don't. Those kind of dynamics make me uncomfortable me to.
Speaker 2:I'm kind of in the same. Obviously we've talked about in the same situation. Even though I contribute a little bit financially with the business is the sole Financial provider, but he does. He cooks dinner every night. I don't cook, yeah, I hate cooking. He's a better cook, he's good at it and he also does the dishes every night because he's a tornado in the kitchen and I told him if he's not going to, clean up while he cooks and I'm not cleaning up after him.
Speaker 2:I know sounds like so, like wow, he cooks you dinner and you won't even clean up. I'm like no.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I do a lot of other stuff in this house boundary, boundary.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's, there's no right or wrong way no, we do what works for us. Yeah what makes sense for you. So when people hear about how other people live their lives or whatever, and they're like, oh, Past judgment on it.
Speaker 2:what?
Speaker 1:Okay, so that doesn't work in your house, like, and I mean, when people tell me like, oh, I do all this stuff and work and my husband he'll, he'll never do laundry, I'm just like, are you good at that? Are you have you just like convinced yourself you're good with that? Like I'll pull, pull those strings a little bit. Oh yeah, I feel like, where's your support? Why are you making sure he has everything he needs? But who's making sure you have everything you need, right? You're a person, you're not a robot, right, and I'm I feel grateful that I'm with somebody that gets it. And I mean, it's not like he always was I don't want to say what, not open to it, but I think that he had. He was like he was single, he didn't have kids.
Speaker 1:Before we got together, I came into the situation with Eden, so like he jumped right into having yeah, having a partner, live together, and then like, having a kid and then having his own kids, and it happened really fast. So I think he didn't know what to expect. And then it's like, well, this is how we already have our schedule doing this kind of stuff, and it was like You're thrown into that and you're trying to find your rhythm and you're just like well, what the fuck like? So we had a little bit of like learning curves in that way, like his expectations versus what was actually like real life. Right, but within like the first year he really like caught on to like that's not realistic for everything to be perfect all at the same time and everything to stay clean and right, you have to find your flow to find what works.
Speaker 1:So it's definitely not like when you guys Get together, that everyone's on the same page all the time. That I don't think that's realistic. It's about being with someone that you can collaborate with and someone that will.
Speaker 2:You can communicate. So effective communication is probably, like I would say, number one, most important, like backbone of a relationship, because if you can't effectively communicate with your partner, then nothing is ever going to get accomplished.
Speaker 1:And that's not even just with your partner and people in general.
Speaker 1:Like I've had so many conversations with people and they're like this is what happened and I said this and they got mad about whatever this was. And it's like it Are you saying it in a way that they understand? And then, like the person will be like, well, I don't have to do this and whatever it's like that's how come you guys are just running in circles like you're you're not willing to talk to your friend in a way that she can hear, like you're not validating any of yeah, like her feelings about it, like you need to actively listen and be like, so what I'm hearing is right.
Speaker 1:That makes me feel is this what you're trying to say? Like those kind of things like Before. You're just like, well, you make me do everything you're not here for me doing. It's like, yeah, you guys are probably saying the same thing. It's just like the way it's not being received in the right way, and that is to be a big issue for us, like, and we've gotten so much better at that that it's like everybody wants the same thing. But it's just the way we're communicating. It is not Crossing channels I know.
Speaker 2:so like obviously I didn't have a child before and we still had to like find our way. So, like I come from a family I had younger brother and sister, so I grew up With a lot of responsibilities, kind of parentified, like I started babysitting my, my brother and my kids and my kids because they are like my kids.
Speaker 2:I started babysitting my brother and sister at a very young age and so I kind of had that experience that Pat did not have, like he was not at all familiar with, like kids and babies, and like I've always been familiar with that so when we had kids trying to find our own Groove and like what was going to work for us, like that required trial and error, that required a lot of conversations, finding our way to communicate and I will be the first to say that Pat is probably the better communicator I will get like let my emotions get the best of me and flip out, and he will be like listen, we're on the same team. Like Just talk to me. Like, yeah, don't flip out. Like I'm on your side. So like whatever you need, just tell me, which is great, and like it when I'm in my moments, he usually can bring me down, which is you need to find balance. You define the person that is better at it, that doesn't let their emotions get the best of them right that knows how to like maintain.
Speaker 1:And like my thing is I'm like that too, or I've gotten better as I've gotten older, being able to like Talk myself off a ledge, but I used to be like really explosive. And yeah, geo would like Take offense to that, like, yeah, and now he's like You're doing good, like he'll say things to call me yeah, and I'm like okay we'll have like a regular conversation after that, because he realizes that what I'm like, that I'm just really overwhelmed and frustrated with the situation usually.
Speaker 1:Stimulated yeah, it's not a direct attack on him, it, we've moved past that and that was a big thing too. But I've also been able to like take inventory, like yesterday I had two appointments, even woke up throwing up I was like, yeah, it was just chaotic, eli's on vacation from school, amen had to go to school. I was just like crazy, yeah, usually.
Speaker 2:I was scheduled this lately, lately, it that's.
Speaker 1:It's kind of been like that. So I was like already, like fuck, it's Friday, this is like I'm supposed to go to therapy, I'm supposed to get my nails done. This is supposed to be like the time that I kind of have stuff done. And then geo was tired and what he said, something like like he like huffed about something and like I wanted to go in that room and open the fucking curtains and be like well, I'm doing all this alone because I was stressed out and like he didn't do anything wrong, and he was also tired, not up yet.
Speaker 2:And he's allowed to have right be frustrated and frustrated.
Speaker 1:But like you're, like you're not allowed to be frustrated because I'm frustrated before I let myself go in there and start a problem where there wasn't one. I was like, no, like, take a second, talk about it later if it's something you're actually upset about or you just upset at everything happening at once. Like it's eight o'clock in the morning, you got plenty of time to get and be places, like you're fine, and then everything was, was fine, like it's not. Like he made me take children with me to my appointments or like anything. Like he backed me up and he did everything you're supposed to do. And Even when I got home, I like had a fucking headache. I laid down, he let me nap, he took Eli with him to the Like turbine hall in our building and, like I had a couple minutes, he picked up a man.
Speaker 1:Like he backs me up and I I Need to be able to like stop myself in those situations and be like You're yeah you're just fucking irritated right now, and sometimes it's fucking hard because I am overstimulated, because I don't feel like having control of myself, but it's like You're just making it worse, like you're.
Speaker 2:You need to to Be an adult like right, take inventory of your feelings and just not always yeah, things like that and not to say it doesn't happen but and if you're really invested in your relationship and you're like committed to that person, you're having trouble and You're feeling like you're not connecting or you're feeling like you're not being heard, then like you need to have a conversation with your partner about possibly going to therapy and working on your communication, if you guys are both invested in that right because sometimes that is all you need.
Speaker 2:You just need help with communication and yeah, and you need someone to mediate that kind of communication, I think it.
Speaker 1:That's usually like the biggest thing. It's not that like you're not getting along or you're not in love anymore. It's just like you don't feel hurt. Yeah, and humans, that's A big thing. We want to feel heard, we want to feel validated, we want to feel safe, and when you're with somebody that doesn't speak the same language, like Like, I gotta learn how to do that if you're not figuring it out on your own, and I think that we'll give you a perfect example.
Speaker 2:Like Pat and I are usually pretty good with communication, but I'm I would say that I'm the one who Lacks it more than he does, and I was talking to my therapist about this because I feel like if I ever like I Don't want to say criticize, but if I ever say something to him about like Him doing something wrong, I guess he shuts down, but more from a place of shame, not ego Yep.
Speaker 2:He does not like to be told he did something wrong, because he doesn't want to feel like he let me down or that I'm Disappointed in him. So, like, I talked to my therapist about that and she said, well, how about we deliver things in a compliment sandwich for him, right, which I've never really thought about. So if I'm telling him like I'm grateful for this thing that you do, like you work so hard, you cook dinner every night, you did this, you did that, you do that, you've helped. Like we paint, we potty trained Killian recently and he was totally on board with that. Like he Committed to that just as much.
Speaker 2:There were multiple days where I had to be out of the house all day for work and he couldn't. Like he stuck with it, yeah. And so like, yes, I'm so thankful for everything you did, but this one thing could you possibly do this next time. And also, I love you so much, you're so great at the end, like because you just really have to drive it home. That like it's not personal. Yeah, I do love you, I am grateful for everything.
Speaker 1:But like this one little thing does not make you a piece of shit and I'm not thinking about divorce right now, right, but I need Geo to say that shit to me. I like, do you still love me? Like I need that validation, I need to hear it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, especially because we have different love languages, like so the things that I do for him that, like, would make me feel happy and appreciated aren't always what makes him feel happy and appreciated. So now that we are like in tune with how each other accepts love, those are so lovely, even if it's not his love language, he'll recognize that as, oh, she's trying to connect with me, she's trying to so Pat's love languages 100% acts of service.
Speaker 2:Like he cooking food. He loves cooking food for people like that's his thing, like he wants you to eat it while it's hot. He looks at your face when you take the first bite because that's.
Speaker 1:I do that to do all the time it was like Do you love it?
Speaker 2:You know that it's Frank's what do you taste in there? I'm a vegetarian. Um Pat cooked the other last night and it was. He gave me two like giant pieces of chicken. He made French onion, french onion chicken. It was so good, like straight French onion soup chicken. But he gave me two giant pieces and I was like I am not.
Speaker 2:I can't let's too much and my mom will live down the street, so I texted her. I was like, did you eat dinner yet? And she hadn't, so I packed up the other like the rest of it because there was so much food, and I brought it to her and, like you could tell, like he was just he was excited that I thought it was good enough to Bring to my mom's like I called her and I was like hey, patches me this awesome chicken.
Speaker 2:Have you eaten yet? Because there's extra. And he was like so excited about that.
Speaker 1:I was like he's either gonna get upset that you weren't eating it or he was gonna love it.
Speaker 2:No, he loved that I was bringing it, was bringing it to someone else, and then she texted him and told them how good it was.
Speaker 1:He's not a great yeah he loved it.
Speaker 2:But like his acts of service, mine is definitely touch, but like cuddly, not sexual, like it mines like cuddly, huggy kisses, like always touching, and I've had to like kind of be like, can we just like cuddle more, can we do more like a big, more just?
Speaker 1:right, I feel like I'm super not, like I usually don't like to be touched.
Speaker 2:And you know I touch by other people, just Patrick and my kids.
Speaker 1:I just I don't know I get overstimulated. I don't like things touching my neck like I just, I just don't like being touched and less like we think that's how I Show love.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it's necessarily how I want to, I don't even know how I want to receive it, but like how I should. Like I notice if the kids are sitting on my lap, I'm always like playing with their hair or like giving them like face massage.
Speaker 1:I do that, I'm always touching them but I also. It doesn't. It didn't come naturally to me because I like, just didn't you know yeah.
Speaker 1:And like I didn't come from a super like huggy, affectionate family, so I didn't really like learn how to be affectionate in that way till I was way older. But Geo is like, he likes to be touched, he likes to be close and he almost like suppressed that for a long time because of how little I gave I think it's the Taurus and I felt sad and I like had to get better at it. So then I started like rubbing his head, like he loves head rubs.
Speaker 2:I love head rubs.
Speaker 1:I love his head and like I'll try to hold his hands sometimes. And like those are ways that, like, I'm trying to like be conscious, and now it's way more natural than it used to be. But I'm definitely like that with the kids too, but that's just like a part of me that I you worked on. Yeah, I didn't have that, it didn't feel natural, and now it feels way more natural and he's like tapped into that love language again, because I made him suppress it unintentionally, for so long.
Speaker 2:I think that with. I think that I kind of suppressed it a little with Pat for a while. Not that we're, we were definitely not the PDA couple Like. We were the like, the couple you could go out with and we would all have fun and no one would feel uncomfortable because we were all over each other Cause we wouldn't be like that, but everything was like in private. But now I'm like, I like. I like being like not necessarily gross where I mean we're 34. I'm not gross.
Speaker 1:You don't need right. There's never really a situation that you need to make out in front of people, I mean like I think there it's acceptable to hold hands and sit close together like lay your head on someone you don't need to be like.
Speaker 2:But I'm like, I'm the like I'll lean over while I'm driving and like, rub his head, like in the car, like I'll do stuff like that. And I stopped doing it for a while cause it wasn't so much reciprocated from him, because that's just not his love language. But I have mentioned it and it's gotten better, like we've. We've definitely gotten more affectionate Conversations around this kind of stuff Like I need more of this, like there's no reason to that, you can't.
Speaker 1:And if you're with somebody that's like, well, that's just not what I do. One that might just be them feeling defensive, like and I've done that a fair bit, that I'm like I take it as an attack, like, I think, everyone's trying to attack me, and that's something I've worked on as a person. It takes me a second and then I'll come around, so that might be what's happening. Your delivery in it might just. You need a compliment sandwich, you know? Yeah, but if they're just like it is what it is.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think.
Speaker 2:I think you probably don't need to be there If you are dating or starting a relationship or in a relationship and you're expecting that the person that you're with is just gonna be 100% your perfect match, and if it's not that, then they're not good enough for you or it's not gonna work because they're not 100% everything that you want, Then you're doing it wrong. Like you need when you go into a relationship, you need to be willing to grow and change and work on things on yours of your own just as much as you're expecting them to. And no, you shouldn't go into a relationship wanting to change anybody but you have.
Speaker 1:You have to change and compromise.
Speaker 2:Yes, you definitely need to be able to compromise and you need to be able to grow and work on your own shit. Everyone has their own shit, whether they're like. No one is perfect and if you're not willing to hear that, like something that you did maybe hurt someone or is hurting someone, or vice versa, that your partner's not willing to hear that from you, then it's a problem, because if you're in this space where you wanna be a team and no one's willing to work on their part of it, then it's never gonna be a good team.
Speaker 1:Right, like you don't start a company and it'd be a fortune 500 company overnight. You know what I mean. Why would you expect that you go into a relationship or a marriage and continue to have it grow? If everyone's just like it's what it is, the numbers suck, but fuck it. Yeah, because everyone, even if you, want the same.
Speaker 2:Everything. Yeah, even if you want the same things and you connect and you have everyone's raised differently, everyone has a way they do things and like. Especially when you move in with someone and you learn that they're nothing like you, when you live in the house together and like.
Speaker 1:It takes a lot of adjusting and yeah, Compromise and compromise the communication, yeah, and it's like okay. So have you ever said something like, oh, when I have kids, that's never gonna happen.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna do that 100%.
Speaker 1:And then you have kids and you're like oh, this actually is a lot different than I fucking thought it's like the same thing, like in my relationship.
Speaker 1:It's gonna be, we're gonna do this, but you have to explore everything, like one of the biggest things in life is always be curious and always wanna learn, be inquisitive, try to find ways. Don't be stagnant, don't sit there and be shut off and not wanna move. And you have to. Just your head has to keep on a swivel and that's how you're gonna make most things in life work and not be miserable about it.
Speaker 2:And you can't be so rigid. I mean, like we talked about, you can have your like, these are my, these are my definite like. I must haves, I guess, or non-negotiables, but like stupid shit. Like when I first met Pat, I said I had a type which is so stupid. I was like I like guys with big, burly beards and I like guys that are over six feet and I like guys that are covered in tattoos, which was like a description of my ex and I wanted to be as far away from that as I wanted to be.
Speaker 2:And Pat was the opposite. He had long hair. He, I mean, he was taller than me I'm only five too, so he was taller than me. That was an easy one to check off but he had, like, long hair. He was kind of like skinny a skinnier guy at the time. He's like filled out a little bit more and like one tattoo. And I was like that's not my, really my type, though. I was like this is before I met him. Once I met him, I was like, okay, I like him, but you can't like be so stuck on something, something stupid like physical appearance, like.
Speaker 1:I said last week that producer on that show. She's like well, he's not this, he doesn't do this, won't even go on a date. Or like if you're thinking about that the whole time, you're gonna, you're taking opportunity away from yourself. You know, like when I was younger, I never pictured my wedding, I never thought what it was gonna be like to be married. Or like I never had those dreams where people were like I planned out my whole wedding and I can't wait to wake up in the pancakes and all that shit. I was like I never had that. Like I thought I was just gonna be single for the rest of my life, whatever. And I didn't start having those like thoughts and picturing what my life would look like at 31 until I met Gio you know what I mean. I was like the opposite of picturing, like what my ideal person was or yeah any of that I like, really didn't.
Speaker 2:Well, I did have any of those.
Speaker 1:So I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:I dated my high school boyfriend. We started dating when I was 16. We dated till we were 21. We broke up for a little while. We got back together. We got engaged for only a few months but like my whole like young adult life kind of in late teens, I pictured it with him like your high school sweetheart.
Speaker 2:And like that, like this idea that you need to be with the person that you were with in high school, let it go like the likelihood of you finding the love of your life in high school is so.
Speaker 2:Slim and like it's okay to fall in love in high school, it's okay to like Date in high school, it and if you end up together, you end up together. But if you to hold each other back and are not willing to grow which is 100% what we did we held each other back so much, right, and it's not gonna be healthy. You're gonna resent each other so much yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that comes back to you wanting to have like a house to call home and the moving around like that made you feel like stability. So you really just like held on to that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want, like, I wanted to like know what my life looked like.
Speaker 1:I, I wanted that, and you know that makes a lot of sense, probably in a lot of ways, like if it's either, like that's what your parents had and that's what you expect, like that's the expectation. Like to be married before 30 and your high school sweetheart and all that, or like you're doing it for like stability reasons, but like You're casting such a short line.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like you're really really not letting yourself Experience a lot of things, and it's like the same kind of people are like oh, high school or my golden years, like when people think like school.
Speaker 2:People who still talk about high school like they miss it make me want to throw up.
Speaker 1:I mean it's different to reminisce and like, oh, that was a good time. But people that like glorify that and like that was their like highest point. It's like we're not the same, like I know.
Speaker 2:Inspirations right, it's very, very narrow and so narrow and boring, and the same stories over and over again.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I can't like I wasn't there and I feel like I was. I was there because I've heard it so many times. I actually don't want to be there though.
Speaker 2:I don't like even visiting East Providence because I don't like running into people that I went to.
Speaker 1:I guess I, I mean I, I don't like Going to Cumberland at all high school like even Like the Tuckett places around, I'm just like no, yeah, like I'm trying to move more south.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I don't know. I think that high school relationships, um, you need to be taken with a grain of salt. Like you just can't have so many expectations and put that kind of pressure on yourself Because you yourself, like I think that I was just as toxic, like, looking back at things, like I 100% kept him from doing things that he wanted to do and like that was my bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah and and some of that is Normal think about like how much it is formed and like your frontal lobe and all those like Parts emotionally that aren't mature yet, like you're gonna be more selfish when you're in high school because that's where you are. Yeah, mentally it's just You're either gonna grow together, you're gonna grow apart, and I think it's rare that people in high school End up on the same no there's always some level of control, like there's always like a you want to.
Speaker 2:You try to control each other, especially after high school, because you're used to the way things were when you were so young and you're scared to grow and you're scared to do new things and experience. You think you're gonna lose each other and you know what. You just have to accept that if that's what happens, that's what happens.
Speaker 1:That's like the path you were meant to take, even like when you're in any kind of long-term relationship or marriage. Like, if you're not growing yourself, you're not going to grow in your relationship. So it might feel weird to have someone start a new job or have a new interest or something like that and you're just like, well, that seems so out of left field. I don't know what am I gonna. You know, just like the panic around it. That's normal cuz it's changed. But I also think that, like you need to let each other have like your own identity.
Speaker 1:Yes, your identity isn't in each other. You guys don't complete one person. You're whole and together you grow you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like, and you should compliment each other and if you want to find activities to do together that are new too, like, yeah, 100% find something you like to do together, but there's Definitely you need to make that time for you, just your own. Yeah, your own individual.
Speaker 1:It's never. I mean I'm not gonna say it's never gonna hurt.
Speaker 2:Some people find the wrong activities right, get involved in, but you need to let people grow Individually and also you need to be in a place where you're like you can accept love, because I feel like a lot of people Think that finding a partner will solve other problems but they don't love themselves. And I think I mean just my hit, like my Background and your background too, like you really have to work on the self-love before you can have and I.
Speaker 1:Effective, healthy relationship because you're gonna project so much and like past experiences, I, at the beginning of our relationship, we were both not our Highest selves, yeah, and I mean not like we're all fantastic, I mean the best selves right now, but the work towards it and like healing certain things, like I'm going really hard and trying to, you know, unpack my childhood and things that I held on to and Understand why I feel certain things in certain situations where, like historically, I would Project and take things out on him and understanding why he says or does or communicates things certain ways. I think we've gone pretty deep into doing that and that's helped us and Cut down on arguments instead of you know.
Speaker 1:again, like I said, Mm-hmm just flying off the rails instead of trying to understand, and both being on that page where we're like we get it. Sometimes the shit's gonna happen, but like trying to understand where it's all coming from. We've gotten really far. Yeah, like in and change in comparison to eight years ago, where it was it had potential to get toxic, like I could have ruined this relationship if we weren't like you know what we need to like heal ourselves and like, yeah, work through shit so we can grow.
Speaker 2:Pat and I were kind of, so we've been together. It'll be 12 years this year and we've been married for six 2017, six years into 2023, so be seven this year, oh my god.
Speaker 1:I know you say it out loud. You're like what the hell?
Speaker 2:Holy shit. So the first year that we were together I mean we it was only six months. So we started dating in September. That February was Valentine's Day and I broke up with him on Valentine's Day. So it only been six months. I was just like I can't do this anymore. The previous year, the year that he and I met, I was engaged, I was unengaged, I Both my grandparents died, and Then that February I was like the day I broke up with him I was at hospice, for my great-grandmother and my parents had just separated and I was like everyone's dying, no one's staying together. I don't think that love is real and I don't think I want to be with you anymore, cuz like this isn't just like self sabotage. I don't think that I'm ready for this because I had only started dating Patrick Less than a month after I ended my engagement. I was right, it was fast, yeah it was very fast.
Speaker 2:So he basically was like no, no, thank you, I'm not going to let you ruin a good thing, he's like, just because you're not ready, um, I, I don't want. He basically something like I don't want to let shitty timing like affect something really good. So if you need space or you need whatever you need, I'll give you whatever you need, he's like, but I don't want to end this and I was like oh okay, like I never had someone be like no, I think that like this is a really like we're worth it, so let's and it only been six months and a month and a half after that he moved in and like Right and me and Gio.
Speaker 1:From the beginning of our relationship was like the beginning of 2016. And by that August we'd already moved in together. By September I was pregnant.
Speaker 2:So like yeah, I moved fast.
Speaker 1:Yeah, happened fast. But like when you know, you know and, even if you're not in, like the ultimate form of the relationship, like your best communicative skills and all that it's wanting to get there you both have like the thought that you can get there. It's like feeling at home, like you. Yeah, feeling at home, feeling safe, that's the best way I felt comfy, like I felt like I had never been somewhere that I didn't want to leave Right. I just felt secure. That's a really great.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I never have like doubted if Pat loves me. I've always trusted him and I've never felt like out of place or uncomfortable, like it always just felt like it fit Like pretty right off the bat. Yeah, like it just felt.
Speaker 1:And that doesn't mean that you're not fighting and that you don't have different thoughts or you're not disagreeing at certain times. It doesn't mean everything's perfect, but there's something there that you know that it's like an unspoken like connection. And working constantly and keeping in mind that you're on the same team, I think, is what really?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you can't forget the same team thing, because it's sometimes it oftentimes for, at least for me I always like take out my anger.
Speaker 1:It like becomes like built up resentment because, like he's out of the house and yeah, I think that might be a tourist thing too, because Gio will like not bring something up if it's a problem, and then, all of a sudden, it'll be something like small, and that's where it comes out, but I'm like. I know him well enough now that I'm like okay, what are you really upset about?
Speaker 1:Like I'll give him like an hour or so and be like, listen, you just freaked out about this and that, like yeah, the math ain't math in here, so and then we can work past that. But that also took a lot of control of myself, because I want to be like are you trying to fucking leave me Like super emotional over the top, and I've had to like be like you know you need to second this shit doesn't make sense, like we'll talk about it in a minute.
Speaker 1:I forgot what my point was. Fuck, that was a good story too. I think. Just like learning, not talking about it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I will, I will like let things go, let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go, and then all the things I'm like you know what.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you can fucking deal with this anymore. You need to talk about it. And I tell him all the time like we'll talk about it, like hey, hey, are you all right? Something bothering you? I feel like I can feel like the ramp up of it and I'm just like fuck, when is it gonna be?
Speaker 2:And it happened last week. What's gonna put him over the edge? There it is.
Speaker 1:And sometimes I'll say something that I know is gonna piss him off, and then we'll like not talk for a couple days.
Speaker 2:Like just in passing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it's been so busy right now it's days because we're just we're literally doing so many different on the phone. But then at a time like all right, I'm gonna go to bed and then we would ever.
Speaker 2:But then, like yesterday we talked about it and he's like we just and there's no real problem, but just weren't talking about, but like the security of like being in a relationship that you know is legit and you know you can trust that person and you know that even though you're having a tough time, they're not going anywhere Like I feel, like in past relationships. If we would have that fight, I'd be like oh my God is this gonna be it and like now, it's like we just need some space.
Speaker 1:And you know that saying like never go to bed angry is complete bullshit, because you know how many arguments have gone on for hours and then we went to bed and the next day we were like Back to like it didn't even happen.
Speaker 2:What was that? He and I have had fights where we've just, and then, like an hour later, it's just like hey, you hungry.
Speaker 1:Like just to be first to forget it happened. Yeah, hunger is another one too. But now if I feel like it's going that direction, like all right, I'm gonna go lay down, because I it's pointless. And then sometimes you end up saying things in that time that, like you, were holding on to and now it's that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're just like where the fuck did that come from?
Speaker 1:That happened six months ago and it's like I was saving that one so that I could present it now while I'm fucking exhausted. Yep, so yeah, and everything just really keeps coming down to communication.
Speaker 2:Yeah, communication Open communication. Trust. You definitely need to be able to trust that the person that you're with is like a good person and is not gonna like hate you for communicating how you feel.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Or like use it against you or try to manipulate you, like obviously you need to find someone who we didn't even go into, like red flags we just talked about, like healthy communication today and how I think we've done previous episodes and the red flags were abundantly clear Control. Control, manipulation, denying your reality, yeah, so I keep losing my train of thought today, I know so. Communication, yeah, I'm getting tired too. We're 40 minutes, so, yeah, communication, boundaries, boundaries are important.
Speaker 1:Trust. I feel like for the boundaries thing. It took me a while to really understand what my boundaries were and like how to effectively enforce them. I said that was like still relatively recent and sometimes I find new ones. Like that really just fucking rubs me the wrong way. I'm not doing that, so now I'm trying to work on it with the kids where, like just because I walk in the door doesn't mean that you can, I want a snack, I need this give me this, give me this.
Speaker 1:I don't have the good boundaries with the kids, it's easier to just do it so that we're not like screaming through the house, but like there's certain things you can do, and I get you don't want to get up right now, but I'm also taking care of this right now. So if I'm cooking dinner and I need to be doing this right now and you're asking me for a snack or to fill up your water, that can wait a minute. This is to take care of the whole family. So like I'll get back to you and you don't have to ask me four more times.
Speaker 1:I'll make it back to you. But I am working back from a point of no return, it feels like, because I cater to my kids like that I do too, and I feel like I give in a lot and recently, with painting, a lot more.
Speaker 2:Maeve's always wanting to paint with me. But like, paint my picture too. And I'm like you can be next to me, you can draw, you can paint, you can do something of your own, but you cannot paint what I'm painting, because this is mine. But I want to help you and like it becomes a big fight and I feel so guilty for saying no, but I'm like no, this is a boundary, this is my project. Why do I have to share it with a five year old Like this is my thing. And then that forces me to only do my stuff After they go to bed, because I don't want to.
Speaker 2:I know, and it's so annoying I'm like why can't I just do my own?
Speaker 1:thing, a couple, what was it? It was for Valentine's Day. I got the kids like paint sets and stuff like that. So I was like, oh, I want to do watercolors because sometimes it's fun to fuck around on paper and whatever. Well, they're home, all right. Last story so I started doing like a son, and I was doing it before Eli came over and then he started freaking out because his son didn't look like mine.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I was like this was supposed to be fun for me for a second and he just like had a complete meltdown. So, yesterday I was like do you want to paint something? Or no. Thursday I was like do you want to paint something? And he's like you remember what happened last time? Oh, poor thing.
Speaker 2:And I was like I do.
Speaker 1:I do remember what happened last time, but I'm like it doesn't have to be like that. So he was like, okay, fine, let's go. So I was like it's okay that yours looks different, but, like you know, so we worked through that. But I'm trying to just help them work through this shit so that they don't get to my age and have to like figure out why they feel this way in relationship with their partner, and it's like I'm not helping them by like We'll have to talk about boundaries with kids too Next week.
Speaker 2:That could be a whole episode.
Speaker 1:All right, well, thanks for tuning in. Leave your reviews to be entered to win a.
Speaker 2:Cute ass tumbler.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cute ass tumbler. Follow us on our socials and we will see you guys next week. Bye, counsels, 선배com eduple.