Have you ever felt the weight of judgmental glares while juggling the chaos of motherhood? We're peeling back the layers on mom shaming, a topic that's as raw and real as parenting itself. From the guilt that creeps in with every second of screen time to the unspoken wars between breastfeeding and bottle-feeding, we're here to share the stories that often stay hidden behind closed doors. This discussion isn't just about airing the gritty details; it's about finding solace in the shared experience and the often uncelebrated victories of parenthood.
Birth plans, feeding choices, and the 'right' way to raise our kids - society has a manual, but reality writes its own script. Every chapter of this episode uncovers the multifaceted nature of parenting decisions, the importance of 'fed is best,' and the personal metamorphosis that comes with raising children. We're not just talking about what's tough; we're also celebrating the resilience and unexpected joys that come with this journey. From my own tough call to close 'Ashley and Fitness,' to acknowledging the evolving sense of self-worth beyond career and income, this conversation is an anthem for parents finding their footing amidst societal pressures.
We wrap up with a heartfelt discussion on the complexities of navigating parenting guilt and the transformative power of validation. Whether it's the decision to stay at home with your little ones or simply needing to hear that you're doing a great job, this episode is a reminder that you're not alone. There's no manual for the perfect parent, but this chat aims to be the next best thing: a community, a support system, and a reminder that, despite the rollercoaster of parenting, we're all in this together. So tune in, and let's break down the barriers of judgment, one story at a time.
check out our shop to get your must have MMU summer gear: https://millennialmomsunfiltered.myshopify.com/
https://linktr.ee/millennialmomsunfiltered?utm_source=linktree_admin_share
Have you ever felt the weight of judgmental glares while juggling the chaos of motherhood? We're peeling back the layers on mom shaming, a topic that's as raw and real as parenting itself. From the guilt that creeps in with every second of screen time to the unspoken wars between breastfeeding and bottle-feeding, we're here to share the stories that often stay hidden behind closed doors. This discussion isn't just about airing the gritty details; it's about finding solace in the shared experience and the often uncelebrated victories of parenthood.
Birth plans, feeding choices, and the 'right' way to raise our kids - society has a manual, but reality writes its own script. Every chapter of this episode uncovers the multifaceted nature of parenting decisions, the importance of 'fed is best,' and the personal metamorphosis that comes with raising children. We're not just talking about what's tough; we're also celebrating the resilience and unexpected joys that come with this journey. From my own tough call to close 'Ashley and Fitness,' to acknowledging the evolving sense of self-worth beyond career and income, this conversation is an anthem for parents finding their footing amidst societal pressures.
We wrap up with a heartfelt discussion on the complexities of navigating parenting guilt and the transformative power of validation. Whether it's the decision to stay at home with your little ones or simply needing to hear that you're doing a great job, this episode is a reminder that you're not alone. There's no manual for the perfect parent, but this chat aims to be the next best thing: a community, a support system, and a reminder that, despite the rollercoaster of parenting, we're all in this together. So tune in, and let's break down the barriers of judgment, one story at a time.
check out our shop to get your must have MMU summer gear: https://millennialmomsunfiltered.myshopify.com/
https://linktr.ee/millennialmomsunfiltered?utm_source=linktree_admin_share
Hello and welcome to Millennial Moms, Unfiltered. Today we're gonna be talking about mom shaming. Yeah mom shaming. Oh, I forgot to say I'm your host, ashley, and I'm Brittany. I'm always like we're missing something, and that's what it is.
Speaker 2:So anyway, without further ado, let's get into it yeah, so today we're going to talk about mom shaming. Um, we have some stories from listeners who have been mom shamed and they shared their, their stories and like things, topics that they've been shamed about, and then we're going to talk about like things we've been shamed about and how we can relate and, yeah, how awful it is to experience it.
Speaker 1:Experience it how awful it is to be moms. I'm just kidding. If you're watching this on YouTube if we actually get this video uploaded this week you may notice that I'm holding my microphone, and that's because I forgot my broom arm at home. So we're starting off strong once again. This podcast would be nothing without chaos, so it would be nothing, I just wanted to address it because this I'm looking at it it looks silly, it looks it looks ridiculous, but anyway, I also am going to address.
Speaker 2:If you're watching, my hair is looking away because I'm to get my first curly cut today and you have to wear it dried naturally.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's really exciting. You know what I was thinking about it before I got here. I was like I wonder if she's going to do like the whole curl thing or if she's just going to let it go like just natural.
Speaker 2:It's stringy at the ends yeah, but she's going to fix that Yep. It's going to fix that Yep.
Speaker 1:It's going to be layered and the bottom's all curly, so it's going to like I'm so excited.
Speaker 2:It's going to look awesome, but right now, lucky you, you get to see it in its glory. Okay, so we had a couple of repeats, so I will read some of the first ones I have.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, I was noticing when I made my list that most of my stories all come back to the same certain things, and it feels like the things that moms get mom shamed for are. It's the same shit over and over again.
Speaker 2:Definitely.
Speaker 1:And I probably have thoughts about where that comes from.
Speaker 2:But we'll, we'll get into that, all right. So this one was like an unintentional one. So my friend said she only gives her kid 10 minutes of TV time a day and I'm assuming it was said in a way like that felt judgmental to the. The listener that sent this in um, which comes from your own, like internal shame, like when someone around you says like, oh, I only do this with my kid, and then you automatically feel like, well, damn, I'm not doing something wrong yeah, so my kids really.
Speaker 1:I told you guys before when we were talking about um, how I went through that whole like montessori period where I did all wooden toys. I still do mostly that kind of stuff and more coloring and like art geared things, um. But my kids really don't have limits on screen times. Especially on the weekends, like weekdays, it's a little bit easier to manage. But yeah, at this point in life we just have so much shit happening that sometimes it's like here you go, brother, here's a screen. Yeah, sometimes it's just easier.
Speaker 2:And I don't think, if your kids are as long as they're not like, if they still want to go play outside, they still want to do fun activities they're not choosing to like.
Speaker 1:Stay in front of their well eden does, because he's autistic and that's a preferred activity. So it's a little bit different with him, um, but now we've structured things to like if you don't do your three expectations, you don't earn that preferred activity and yeah, that's gotten him off even just naturally, like he'll come. He watched movies with us yesterday. Um, he's like come out and like help the littles with stuff. So setting, I guess setting parameters around screen time is helpful I don't.
Speaker 2:We don't have parameters either, but my kids don't push like the tv is kind of on in the background a lot, but they're always doing other things. Um, and the ipad, like the tablets, are kind of not, not an issue not an issue. So it hasn't been an issue for us yet, but I know so many moms who feel guilty about sitting their little one in front of the TV too young Because they've been told that it's not good for your babies.
Speaker 1:Well, you go to the doctor and they're like no screen time until they turn one or something like that, or two, something like that, and I was like my kid's already.
Speaker 2:Both my kids.
Speaker 1:My kid knows the theme song to Bluey.
Speaker 2:Bluey Elmo, both my, both my kids. My kid knows the theme song to bluey, so bluey elmo, like louis, they loved both my kids were watching sesame street like probably around six months, like I would put them in the jumper and they'd watch sesame street.
Speaker 1:And the thing is I get it like you cannot argue with the data that it it does not do great things like it. It's not a fantastic thing, but this is the age we're living and what are we supposed to do?
Speaker 2:you gotta adapt and sometimes especially if you're a stay-at-home mom. I mean any mom that is trying to get something done with a clingy child, if the tv is going to give you a few minutes is my kid going to turn into a serial killer because they they watch their tablet?
Speaker 1:no, does that what the data says? Then I don't care, you know.
Speaker 2:That's where I'm at so here's another one and this one's, I think, huge and probably going to touch a lot of people.
Speaker 1:This is one of mine too.
Speaker 2:Getting shamed for not breastfeeding. Yes, I can relate.
Speaker 1:Because you hear hospitals not so much anymore. But breast is best. Breast is best and that's where it started. And yes, there is long-term benefits to breastfeeding and when you're giving that initial colostrum beneficial for the baby and their immune system in the long term, and all of the things, it's great. But we're not in a third world society, um, so formula is just fine. We have vaccines, like there's ways around it. There's there's not data showing that, like your kid's going to be smarter if you breastfeed.
Speaker 2:So fuck it I think we were like I was formula fed okay.
Speaker 1:So again, I was the first in my family born in america, so, coming from portugal, they had the mindset that breast is best and that was the only option. So I was breastfed um. I think until I was like one and the same with my sister, everybody was breastfed um, and so I thought, like breast is best, so it really came from like breast is best with you, yeah and I mean my mom never put that pressure on me.
Speaker 1:And when you, when I was pregnant and I was 19, um, the doctors were like it could be an issue because of your diabetes. It could be an issue because of your diabetes, it could be an issue because you're young like blah, blah blah, but at the same time forcing yeah to breastfeed, so there wasn't great support. I feel like as I've gotten older and learned how to advocate for myself and then hospitals having better things um in place, yeah.
Speaker 1:I had more options, um, but with Eden, almost immediately I went to formula formula because I was not producing and at that point I thought he should be feeding like a six-month-old. You know what I mean. I didn't realize how little milk he actually needed, so that discouraged me. I didn't have a ton of support. There wasn't a lot of resources at that point available that I felt were accessible to me. Uh, resources at that point available that I felt were accessible to me? Um and so, right there, I didn't breastfeed past like a couple of weeks, um. And then, as I got older, we talked about with different people from different cultures and places, um, about breastfeeding our kids, and I talked about my experience. I always got like, well, why didn't you do this? And it's like bitch, I did that, like I tried, I gave it a good shot. But there comes a point where, if you're choosing breastfeeding over getting your kid fed at all, everyone's suffering. You're suffering mentally, physically, your baby's suffering. I just don't understand why people get looked at for choosing not to breastfeed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, why people get looked at for choosing not to breastfeed. Yeah, I think that. So I I can't. I think that our generation has a lot of formula fed babies because for some reason it was definitely breastfeeding was a little more taboo.
Speaker 1:I think like in the night we went from like I know it went from like you have to breastfeed your baby to like to like formulas. Look at those dirty tits.
Speaker 2:Like so sexual and everyone like felt like they had to be more modest and they had to choose formula. But anyway, I feel like a lot of people from our generation were formula fed. We're all fine, I'm fine, I mean whatever, but my mom never. I never felt pressured from my family, no one in my family. Both my husband and I were both formula fed babies. Um, my siblings were like it was never something I felt from my family.
Speaker 1:But I felt in the hospital.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they pushed it hard just the hospital experience alone, because I said I wanted to try because it was my first baby and I was not producing enough milk at all. Mave was so hungry, like you. I know that they're stomachs are tiny, but I was already in the hospital because she just would not stop crying and I could not get a good latch and we couldn't. I was not really producing much more than like a drop on my finger. We were already supplementing with formula and when I I gave it a good four days, I want to say while supplementing. And I remember sitting on my kitchen floor when we got home with two pumps, with pumps on both nipples, after I had just fed her. Now I was trying to pump and I was crying and Pat was like, don't do this to yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not worth it.
Speaker 2:We're already giving her full.
Speaker 1:But here's the thing we have. Okay, well, call the night nurse. If this call't, do this to yourself. Yeah, it's not worth it, we're already giving her. But here's the thing we have. Ok, well, call, call the night nurse. If this call the hotline for this, we have the breastfeeding support. You can have someone come to your house and it's like that's after the fact. What about education? Like we have Lamaze classes. Why don't we have education for breastfeeding before the baby's here? Because by four days your milk for most people hasn't even come in. You're still just doing colostrum.
Speaker 2:And four days on no sleep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so stress the hormone fluctuations, especially immediately postpartum, like it's a lot, and you're made to feel like you gave up.
Speaker 2:Right, I really just prioritize not having a mental breakdown the first week.
Speaker 1:My baby was born, if that was the one thing. And, like with Eli, I made it a little bit longer With Eamon by like two, three months. I was like I can't do it anymore because by the time I fed, pumped, put away my stuff, cleaned it, it was already time to feed again. And when I started feeling like I can't exist outside this, like I give so much of my body when I'm pregnant because of the diabetes and how much testing I have to do and all the things I have to like pay attention to or restrict that like giving up my body that much more postpartum, it was just not mentally worth it. Yeah, so then I was just like with with those two, I was just like when it starts feeling draining, I'm done, um. And with Eli, um, I I felt the pressure like why, why don't you keep trying, why don't you do this, why don't you do that? And it's just like, because it's I'm not, it's just not worth it.
Speaker 2:Killian, I fed in the hospital. Uh, I breastfed in the hospital while we were there and he was fine. He latched, I produced um, but I knew that Maeve was only two at home and she wasn't breastfed, so she was going to be very curious and I knew my mental health and it was during the pandemic and my mental health was already not doing well and I chose not to breastfeed.
Speaker 1:To continue with that, with him, yeah when I was breastfeeding Eamon Eli yeah, I mean he was breastfed but then he like started a new obsession with the boobs. Like I could not have boobs out or whatever, because he would like slap him. I remember one time I remember what I was getting out of the shower and I was like drying my legs and then eli, like this just little baby, comes in and he just like claps my boobs together and I was like what the fuck just happened. You know, like he is like that's what a milk is.
Speaker 2:I'm like, yeah, but like it's part of like wanting your body back, like, yes, it's natural, for it's natural for you to teach your kids. Like I didn't say I was avoiding it because I didn't want me to be curious, I don't, that's fine, I just didn't want her to want to nurse, right, it was more of like I just can't and then having to put that much more energy into explaining it and like yeah, definitely too.
Speaker 1:It's just like.
Speaker 2:But so like, aside from like I don't want to say excuses, but aside from the very valid reasons of like medical issues, not producing, not latching, like all of the real reasons, you know what's just as valid a reason.
Speaker 1:I don't want to.
Speaker 2:And I feel like that's not accepted and it should be. It's your body like. If you know that you're not comfortable with that, then don't do it and don't like I hate that women feel like they have to explain themselves, like I felt like it was more of an. I don't want to with killian. Yeah and you got more pushback for that I didn't get any pushback from again my family no one ever made me feel bad in my family.
Speaker 2:It was more like the societal pressure right, and like the looks you would get when you said you didn't breastfeed, or or the even the pressure from the nurses, like I said straight up, like I'm gonna feed him in the hospital but when I go home I'm not really interested in like lactation consultants we also don't owe anybody that explanation and I kind of feel like to some degree, um, like, did you breastfeed is the same thing as like are you guys gonna have kids?
Speaker 1:it's the same kind of question it's intrusive. It's very interesting especially when you're asking not from under, not from asking to want to understand, when you're asking to like gauge the person you know, um, so yeah, that's my thoughts well, yeah, so you, if you don't want to breastfeed, don't breastfeed and don't feel guilty for not breastfeeding, because fed is best if your kid is fed and they're eating formula and also it's 2024. Why are we still doing this?
Speaker 1:right right it's not like you're choosing to like kill your kid because you're not feeding them, like you're just not breastfeeding.
Speaker 2:We have options yeah, okay, this one I can't speak from personal experience, but I totally get this one. And they backed it up with a story C-section, yeah. So she said, this person said C-section. And then they also told me a story about one time they were at work and unintentionally, two other coworkers were having a conversation. Having a conversation and they um, I don't want to give too many details away, just in case, but it was basically like they said oh yeah, because you're the one who pushed him out, so that makes you the mom, because they were talking about something, about the dad too. Like, oh yeah, because you pushed him out, so that makes you the mom. And this person who wrote in like inadvertently felt shamed because she had a c-section right and she, like people walk around and like, even though that was totally innocent, I can understand like people say stuff like that I mean, there's definitely, you see, things that like those stupid online things that people share, like that have maybe not blatant, like if you had a c-section you took the easy way out.
Speaker 1:Whatever I will say, in america we push c-sections way more than they need to. I think that women's bodies are meant to give birth naturally and we just kind of, for the sake of money and time, are like C-section, c-section, c-section and we probably could give a lot more people chances.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I think if they want the support though, if they also choose that they want the c-section, then true, I think c-sections are way harder I think c-sections are way harder.
Speaker 1:I've never had a c-section, but I'm just thinking about like I didn't know I was terrified to have one post I was. I know I was like praying, I didn't need one with amen, but it was like touch and go, um, and everything was fine. My labs came back fine and I was like, yes, because I was terrified because they have to cut through seven layers. All of that's getting stitched up.
Speaker 1:Then you have to fucking heal all of that and muscles my vagina felt okay, like four days later for the second two you know what I mean with both babies relatively quickly like I was never in any excruciating pain like you can't, just, like you can't like sit up on it or whatever, and like obviously it takes time to heal even things that you like can't see, but nothing was cut open or off, or you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like it's a major surgery in a very delicate area in an area that is affected, no matter how you move and then that is going to contract and cramp and and all of that from shrinking back and you have to take care of a newborn baby, sometimes by yourself, because maybe you don't have a partner or your partner has to go back to work and you have.
Speaker 1:I've to recover from a major surgery within I've had conversations with people that were like I would choose a c-section every time. I'm like bitch what I would no I'm like it. That sounds so much harder I have like a fear of being cut open anyway, like I hope I don't ever really need surgery, especially like when it's like organs like midsection. That all really freaks me out, um, I don't know, it just really freaks me out and I can imagine just.
Speaker 2:I know two. I have two relatives who I think opted well. One had was more like it's kind of an emergency. We think you should do this Right Because there was a cord wrapped around the baby's neck and they went for a C-section and then another one. I think the other one just opted, like I would really prefer a c-section. I'm a little bit terrified like and um, and I know people who have just like, who have had to have a c-section just because because, like it, it you're pushing for too long, it's not happening like it's been four hours, like five hours, six hours. We're exhausted, the baby's not coming out, like it's at this point it's getting dangerous heart like that and and I think yeah in any situation you should feel guilt, but in situations where it was literally, not your choice.
Speaker 1:Definitely don't feel guilt, but I think that's like normal might be the wrong word, but I think like we do that to ourselves a lot situations that we feel like we got robbed of the experience that we wanted to have, but also when I, um, was working in ob and people would come in with these lengthy birth plans.
Speaker 1:Now, by that point I already had my own kid and my birth plan went to shit. I hemorrhaged on the table. I hemorrhaged postpartum. It was just not a good experience I. It was not anything I wanted. So I was like, take that birth plan and just throw it out the window, because you know what you're going to be so upset about if anything on that birth plan like it's okay to have ideas and things that you want to happen, but then when you're having like and then this needs to happen and they need to open the window and we're going to sing to the canary you know what I mean when it's so specific.
Speaker 2:I didn't have a birth plan for either yeah, I didn.
Speaker 1:I didn't. I mean, I had ideas of what I wanted. Well, first I had no idea what, eli, I did. I pulled him out myself because I was like I had a shit first birth. So I went to a doctor that I worked with and I was like, listen, I know you're going to let me do this and that's why I'm choosing to deliver with you. Yeah, I'm going to pull him out. And he's like, yeah, okay, whatever, blah, blah. So I was like dr odd and matic, you're the guy. Um, so I got to do that.
Speaker 1:And then, with amen, the doctor like didn't want to believe I was giving birth. He was like it takes you so long to give birth. And I was like, okay, jerry, like I don't remember his actual name, but the worst thing I did was look at his reviews. So, anyway, I, amen, just flew out like I sneezed, and. But the worst thing I did was look at his reviews. So, anyway, I, eamon, just flew out Like I sneezed and he just came out. His cord was wrapped around his neck. The nurse was like bitch, gio's getting the cart, like Gio's helping deliver. I'm like fuck you to that doctor. I was like remember, when you told me that it takes me a long time to it. The baby got here. You know, yeah, like, and you don't always have control or people that listen, and I think that there's a lot of things in society and medically wise that could go a lot better. Um, and people should listen to moms more than they do oh yeah, I had that experience with with me.
Speaker 2:So I my birth plans were I'm just gonna wait and see. Like people were asking if I was taking classes when I was pregnant with me and I was like I'm just going to wait and see. Like people were asking me if I was taking classes when I was pregnant with Maeve and I was like I'm just. I felt confident in my body's ability to do what it needed to do when it needed to do it.
Speaker 2:So people were asking like do you want an epidural, do you want this? I was like I'm just going to wait and see what happens. So by the time I got to women andants with Maeve, I was only four centimeters dilated, but I had been in active labor for six hours. So I was like no, I need an epidural. Like my contractions were one on top of another, like they were brutal and I was like I can't do this anymore, like give me the epidural. So I took the epidural with her, with Kaylee, and I had no choice because it came too fast. So I did deliver non-medicated with him. So I had both experiences. If I were to do it again, I would say that I honestly don't know. I would say like, unmedicated, I, I did it, I survived. It was brutal right.
Speaker 2:I said if I had the choice it was over really quickly, um, but I think for comfort's sake I might take the epidural again I don't know.
Speaker 1:From day one I was just scared of it going in, like having it actually done to like to your spine. That freaked me out, yeah. But then after I did it I was like, oh, give me fucking two epidurals. Like give, give me the epidurals, with amen. He came too fast, yeah, like. So like he's like, okay, let's get you the epidural, because by that point I'd been active labor for like three, four hours. Um, he's like let's get the epidural and then I'll check your cervix. After I was like I don't know, I think I was like I need to, but I was like let's get the epidural in.
Speaker 1:So then I have a fucking allergic reaction to it obviously, um, and they used a different kind than they did with the first two, so I was itchy everywhere. I was like, if you guys don't get me some fucking benadryl, and they're like we have to do this because of the baby. I was like, listen, that baby's already expelling from my, my cavity. So, um, so got that situated itchy as fuck, and then the baby just comes out. And she was like that epidural was not working and I was like I have been telling you guys for like a half hour since I got to the labor and delivery floor, um, that that baby was coming out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, along with c-section, though, do you feel like people shame people for getting epidurals, or do you think that's done, because I feel like some people still think that, like natural is the way to go I think that no matter what you do, someone's gonna talk shit about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and it's just like do you do what's best for you, someone's gonna be pissed off about it. Do it for your experience and do it for your sake. Don't. Don't do it based on other people, because someone's gonna talk shit, no matter what you know, and it's like you're the one that has to live with your experience.
Speaker 2:So so the next one is what I feed my kids and if I allow junk food. Yeah, someone said that I think I sent it to you. I have another one that said allowing my kids to eat junk food. I have junk food.
Speaker 1:So these are like all the things that are on my list and I'm pretty sure it's like in this order. So that's hilarious that we all do it. What I feed my kids not breastfeeding those are both there. Okay, the thing is like they're your kids and fuck it.
Speaker 2:You know, I hate when people are like oh well, I hate when people think that, like you, should just force feed your kids vegetables. Like I love vegetables now, but I distinctly remember being a child and gagging when I would eat green beans. So like your taste buds change. And your kids, your todd toddlers like they. They just need every doctor, as just told me.
Speaker 2:Just let that just, they'll eat, they'll eat don't worry I have more of an issue with my kids not eating and, yeah, asking for crap yeah, I mean I think that it's okay to have like parameters around things like that.
Speaker 1:But amen, my boy, that at nine months old, was eating salmon like he. I never had to worry about him starting to be picky I want pizza.
Speaker 2:I want pizza I want pizza.
Speaker 1:I don't want that. Ew, I don't like this.
Speaker 2:I'm like bro I know it's so frustrating, but when you but that that happens and, yeah, you can't control it.
Speaker 1:And then you have situations like eden was always really, really particular and would throw tantrums about food, but he's autistic and has aversions to texture and flavors and and and people don't take that into consideration, like right kids are.
Speaker 2:These babies are tasting so many new things for the first time and feeling so many new textures, and sometimes it can be overstimulating, especially if you have a neurodivergent child and you can't just like automatically assume that they're being difficult.
Speaker 1:There's no one right way to feed your kid, and I'm going to tell you right now what we don't have it figured out in america, um is nutrition and standards for eating, because I'm still getting letters coming home from my kids school about what's not allowed yeah, sugar foods, bad food, this, that yeah, I keep getting notices about just like shut up I gave.
Speaker 2:I never pack candy at school, it's all, are they? She's a pretty relatively healthy lunch every day and it was, I think, after. Healthy is subjective because it depends on the child I think it was after valentine's day, I included like a little piece of candy in her lunch I feel like that's fine nope, she got told me. She's like.
Speaker 1:My teacher told me that I can't have candy at school and I was like like okay, so the peanut butter thing I get it yeah but I also want to talk about how, when I was in school, I had a kid in my class who was severely allergic to peanut butter. So you know what we did. We had a fucking dinosaur dig with peanut butter and we just made him go in the class next door and then just like wipe the shit down and brought him back now, they wouldn't do that.
Speaker 1:Do you know what I mean? Now nobody can have peanut butter like it's a whole thing. That's valid. It's an allergy. I get it, and it's way more prevalent now than it was when we were younger. However, that's where it ends, because you're not gonna choose and pick and tell me how to feed my kid when you don't know, health-wise, what they're doing. And then you want to talk about food insecurity. Um, as far as you don't know what the parents are making, how they have access to food, where they get their food from, so you want to limit them even more what they can bring to their kid. Yeah, you know what I mean, unless you're going to give me the resources and you're going to give me the food that you want to see my kid eat.
Speaker 2:Shut the fuck up yeah, it's 100, like even it. Even if you don't have a picky eater, it could be a financial situation like you have no idea what's going on with children and their it's so layered as long as that kid is eating something and gaining weight and their doctor like again not your business it's like it's not.
Speaker 2:It's between the parents and the doctors and the kids. Another one was like milestones. Every time parents like this is an unintentional one, when parents brag about like their kid reaching like a milestone early or just like look how much they can do if they're walking early or talking early or whatever it may be, other parents whose kids are maybe not as advanced are feeling judged or shamed again unintentionally, because I think that we should be able to right and that's like what we were talking about last time, that like you shouldn't feel guilty about sharing your excitement or your wins because of someone else that might feel bad about it but I think it's valid to feel like that.
Speaker 1:but also your kids developing, how your kids developing, and your kid is your kid and it's you can't compare.
Speaker 2:We need to decrease shame around that and like, probably like rewire, feeling the shame, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:None of my three kids, even no matter how closely I parented them or did things with them, the same. All of them developed differently. Yeah, and even geo sometimes will like compare things that amon does to eli and I'm like they're not. Yeah, it's just not the same and it's it's hard to not even do that with with your own kids. Um, but some things are just are what they are and unless there's something wrong, just take a breath about it. You know like, you don't have to feel bad, they're not failing, you're not failing. You couldn't do anything different to change it. It's just, yeah, everyone's different.
Speaker 2:Both my kids walked really early, and I know that I have a lot of other friends whose kids didn't walk very soon at all, but also my nephews, my husband's uh nephews like they walked really early too. So I don't know if it's, and I me and pat both walked really early. So I don't know if it's, and I me and Pat both walked really early. So I don't know if it's like a genetic thing. But then Maeve, like she started talking kind of early but then it like went away for a while and then she, she started talking again later, not that she went, like she didn't stop talking altogether, but like it felt like, not as much.
Speaker 1:Yeah, killian was talking super early, but he also had an older sister to watch and talk all the time.
Speaker 2:So they were very different with that development and Maeve was very into writing her letters and identifying letters and reading and drawing, and Killian could care less. Obviously, I know that that's something that we need to work on, but he's not even in school yet. He's going to school this year, so I haven't been too worried about it. But I know some people would be so nervous that my almost four-year-old doesn't really pick up a pen or a pencil.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, even Eli, he went to preschool since he was like two, and even then there were kids that were writing their letters better than him or drawing pictures and stuff that were way more intricate, and I was like like, but whatever, now the kid's drawing like unreal detail stuff, like in less than a year. So he, it just wasn't his thing. And then he now exceeds what other kids are doing, you know I was worried about me at the beginning of kindergarten.
Speaker 2:I'm like she doesn't know how to read yet like she knew her, she knew her letters and she read her name and she knew some, some words, but not much. And I was very concerned and she has like like completely, like she's caught up, basically, but I'm like I always get nervous, like am I supposed to be doing more at home? Is this something that like?
Speaker 1:I need to be doing?
Speaker 1:is she getting it enough at school like we read books together, but I don't necessarily like I mean, and the way that we were taught it's all completely different, and I think that some of the ways they do it now makes sense and then other ways I'm like I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. You know what I mean? Yeah, so it's like us jumping in or trying to do things almost hinders it if we're not doing it, the the new ways that they're learning, because it gives them like conflicting thoughts on how to problem solve it.
Speaker 2:Well, I I taught me only capitals because I thought dealing with just capital letters at the age of two and a half three was like the right thing to do. But then I was told that I should have taught her the lowercase at the same time, because it's better for them to learn them at the same time and. I was like who knew?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I mean your first time, yeah, your first time. You, you figure it out and you figure it out, but it's, they all develop differently, like literally everything that we get shamed for. The thing is everybody's different, everybody's kids different. Everybody's body's different, everybody's kids different, everybody's body's different, everybody's situation is different, so let people just be. I have a few more, a few more, like a lot more.
Speaker 2:You want to just list them, and then we can comment on them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, fine, I'm sorry I'm talking a lot because I get riled up about this stuff, you know.
Speaker 2:So we only have like a few, like 15 more minutes. So co Getting shamed for co-sleeping.
Speaker 1:Getting shamed for being a young mom. Getting shamed for being an unmarried mom.
Speaker 2:Getting shamed for being a working mom. Getting shamed for a stay-at-home mom. Yeah, you literally can't win you should just end this episode with the Barbie monologue, because moms get shamed for fucking everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no matter what you do, someone's going to be fucking mad about it and you're doing it the wrong way. Literally but that's fine, and let me tell you something about someone that's sitting there analyzing your life thinking about what you did wrong. They don't have enough of their own shit going on. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Like so I don't even care anymore. It took me a long time with other topics, but like the access to social media makes it a whole lot easier for you to compare your life to other people and other moms and you end up shaming yourself and like you feel guilty about things that you are not doing. But really they're not doing it either. Or they're not doing it as perfect or they have other things that they're struggling with or being shamed for. So like you really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, everybody, just chill the fuck out, fuck out. Compare yourself to what you see down, and I have things that I've and I was just telling brittany before we started um, oh, that list I just read was not my personal list.
Speaker 2:It was like things that people well that.
Speaker 1:That was basically my personal half of it was um, but I also have things that I've shamed other people for and then, like, karma always gets me, like immediately, and then my kids start doing that shit or I end up in that situation. So it's like say your kid will never yeah, but like probably will but it gives me, it gives you perspective and you understand like, oh okay, so then now things that I used to, I'm way more understanding, or try to be more understanding about things that I might not get um, because of those kind of situations.
Speaker 1:So I feel I'm not gonna sit here and be like I've never shamed another mom like I've. I probably talk shit about something on the show, like I'm sure you could go back and hear me talk shit about something and bring it up, but I don't like intentionally do it. Or if I don't understand and say something and then someone explains it, then now I'm aware and I'm like you know what I mean. Yeah, but I think everyone has a different experience and it's all fucking hard. So what are we doing?
Speaker 2:yeah, we just need to, not if you've. I mean, yeah, everyone has said something in the past 100. Before I had kids, I said I would never let my kids sleep in my bed. Both, both my fucking kids sleep in my bed.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I may have less, but I know I've said it before Like Killian comes in every night and you know what, I don't really care that much. He's not going to be there forever. I know he's not going to be there forever. So, like I don't, okay, but I'm not. Like I also have this mindset like it's natural for your kids to want to be feel safe at night. Right, you sleep, I sleep next to someone at night. I share a bed. Why can't my kids share a bed?
Speaker 1:Like I'm telling that I don't think it's that serious and people try to make it so weird, and we've talked about this before too, not even that many episodes ago, and it's not fucking weird. Like you're weird, you know what I mean. Like, if everything in your life revolves around like sex and thoughts of sex, like I think you have a problem. You know what I mean. Like why is everything sexual? Or like, whatever like, and it's not like your kids are grown adults sleeping in your bed like they're fucking babies yeah, they're little three, like we've got time to figure it out yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 1:Um, but yeah, that was something that I used and maybe that's my karma, maybe because I said I would never let them I mean, the universe really does just show you things like that, because I used to be like I used to hate, um or not hate, but I used to be like ew, that kid's dirty, look at that kid's dirty. Ew, look at that kid. But now I'm like you're good, you know what I mean. Like you got to pick your battle.
Speaker 1:Some days baths are not happening, sorry, but I mean my kid doesn't look like they're not like a booger, like yeah, mess with like pig pen like dirt, dirt smears all over them, that well, I mean, that still is just like if your kid normally looks like that, there might be some neglectful tendencies there. Yeah, I'm a little judgy about that. I'm a little judgy about that, but it's for the kids sake.
Speaker 1:But like if you skip a bath yeah, you skip the end of the world, anything else you can think of holding my mic like this makes me feel like I'm doing the mini mics, but it's a huge mic, so I feel like this whole podcast is funny just on its own because of this.
Speaker 2:I'd like to end things with everyone's out here doing their best. Try not to judge, because you don't know what's going on, and don't touch anything and find things to be curious about, like I said before, in your relationships.
Speaker 1:To be curious, be inquisitive, be like that about other people, not in a nosy way, don't be fucking nosy, yeah but when you feel like you want to judge, ask yourself like okay, well, why is that happening? What are the reasons this could be? Do they need help? Is this, whatever, could I be this for that person or whatever like you know? And then find out why you feel like you need to judge them, you know, instead of just being like before we go.
Speaker 2:What's? What do you think's the one that you felt the most guilt about? That like you've been shamed for, and then it also like gets you like that I still feel guilty about yeah, mine's being a stay-at-home mom. Isn't that terrible?
Speaker 1:I don't have guilt anymore, oh I wish I didn't. I mean about things that people not to. I mean there's always things that like happen that I'm like damn, I could have handled that situation better, like it's it's guilt or thoughts that about myself. But as far as like societal pressures or things that people talk shit about, I'm so at peace and I know I'm a good mom and I wish I was there it's.
Speaker 1:I'm sure something will happen coming forward, yeah, um, but right now I feel like I'm in a place that I know I'm doing my best and I know my kids are taken care of and yeah I. I know statistical data that backs the things that I I do and what the probability of of this and all that in this situation. So I know when someone's like you suck because you didn't breastfeed, I know that your kid sucks and you breastfed, so you know some kids suck who are breastfed.
Speaker 2:Some kids, like some parents, suck. No, um, I wish I was at peace with with that. I still feel the pressure that like I'm not doing enough. Um, but I don't, I guess I don't. I don't feel guilt about my decision to stay home with my children. Um, I feel guilt about not working, which is, but I have worked, which is the right.
Speaker 1:It's because it's because you're supposed to get up and do the absolute fucking most having I've. It's been like a year, a year or two that since closing Ashley and fitness, realizing that just because I'm not like going balls to the wall with something like my value doesn't lie in the money I make or any of those things Like I know that I bring a lot to the table, any of those things like I know that I bring a lot to the table. And also I'm just going to say that we just went through a very extensive program with eden, with psychologists and everything, and they're just like wow, whoa, oh, it was very validating to hear like you're doing a really good job and it's not like just saying those things because you're a psychologist. It's saying those things because you, you need, yeah, like holy shit, that's hard, yeah. So that was also really validating to me. Check in in a couple of months I might be feeling different, but right now I feel pretty secure in my choices all right.
Speaker 1:Well, we hope, we hope that you feel better about um the mom shaming that you've endured um check out our merch shop. New merch just dropped. Oh yeah, it's so cute oh yes, our cups, and hopefully you can fucking see it on this one. The video is going to be there and by next time we record not the next episode, because we're recording the next episode today the following episode, we'll have some of our merch in. From this line You'll be able to see it. Yep, all right, all right, bye, bye.